We need to talk about...

Taking your own life. It's a touchy subject, taboo almost. People are uncomfortable talking about it or listening to others talk about it. It's almost like you're in a Harry Potter book, you must not say it's name... Well, I think that's pretty stupid. We're all grown up here, so let's talk about suicide.

As I have said in my previous post, in November last year I decided to kill myself. My chosen method was to step in front of a train. I don't know why, but that is what my brain told me to do. I always favoured transport. I would stand a little too close to the edge of the tube platform, pause a little when crossing a road - just to imagine what it would be like. But that day in November, I (obviously) changed my mind.

I have had many conversations about this. I have concluded that I am not serious enough to go through with it. This is ultimately a good thing, but when you still cannot shake the creeping thoughts that it would make it all better, it becomes a struggle. However, more and more, I found myself stepping back from the platform edge, moving back from the side of the road, actually grimacing at the traffic, rather than watching it longingly.

I thought I had made progress. Well, to be fair, I had, but then I slipped back. I found myself in hysterics on my kitchen floor and all I could think about was slitting my wrists. Where had that come from? That was never my plan, How come all of a sudden my brain had a new tactic? I guess it had consigned itself to playing safely in the traffic, so it needed a new angle to come at me from. It even took me by surprise.

I have talked to people about this. I know I don't want to die. I just sometimes feel like I no longer want to be. There is a big difference. It just gets so hard to be sometimes. I get tired of being tired. People have asked me why I didn't call them when I have felt this way, but it would be almost impossible. It's very hard to explain, but at that moment, even though you probably need someone more than ever, you just can't reach out. I am grateful for whatever it is in my head that stops me from carrying out these thoughts, I can only hope that it continues to save me.

I'm also pretty sure that knowing I have these people who want to help me, also helps me to hold back from acting on these suicidal thoughts. Sharing my feelings and not being ashamed of how I am has helped me so much. Every time my boyfriend takes my hand to cross the road, I appreciate just how much he helps me to stay level. I know that even though I might not want to act on them, these thoughts will keep creeping into my brain and it will still take a lot to live with them.

As long as I am able to talk about it, I will be ok. It shouldn't be something that is ignored or seen as taboo. Just like Voldemort, the more we talk about it, the less scary it is.