Well done, me!

So I'm free. Completely antidepressant free.

I was hoping it came with fireworks, a party, maybe some cake. But it came and went quietly. So can I feel a difference? Without a doubt, I feel different. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago, when I was coasting by, not realising that I was wearing myself out and running empty. I am not the same person I was 1 year ago, when I was on the meds and battling my way through it. I have found my way and I have found my feet.

I have had a testing time in the last few weeks but I have been better than ok. I have dealt with things and I surprised myself at my ressiliance and the fact that I didn't slide back into a depression. I found myself starting to feel the onset of a panic attack and I talked myself down. I was alone and I did not want to descend into panic. I stopped it in it's tracks and I felt so good about it.

I have found my confidence improving and my happiness growing. I didn't think I'd get to this point and I certainly didn't think I could say that I did it on my own. It was all me.

In all seriousness though, this really is something that you have to do for yourself. Relying on others is great but it won't get you to the other side unless you are able to stand up yourself too. I have learnt that other people's support is invaluable, but the real changes will come from yourself.

I don't often say nice things about myself, I have given myself a really hard time in the past, but I have decided that I am ok really. I have accepted myself for what I am and I think I'm doing a pretty good job.

So here's to me. 

A small and quiet celebration of being well.

I just wish someone had bought cake.

One less thing to worry about

I have less than a week left on my medication. It has been a long time since I made the decision to come off the Citalopram and though I knew I couldn't just stop immediately, I didn't expect it to take so long. Months. But here I am, in the final stretch, I can see the finish line.

The headaches have stopped and the unexpected bursts of anxiety have subsided, but I am still anxious. I cannot stop, I don't think it's possible. I mean, I am not anxious for no particular reason as much as I used to be. I am not sitting at my desk and a wave of terror washes over me and I can't pin point it. I know why I am anxious, I can tell you particular reasons - so does that make it better? Does knowing why make it easier?

I don't know if it does. When I am anxious for no particular reason, I can blame the anxiety. I can say god, I'm anxious just because I can't control this. When I am anxious because I am thinking of a certain thing or because something particular has happened, I feel like I am more in control. My anxiety is present because I can't control my feelings. If I could just stop thinking about that thing...

It's probably not fair to blame myself. But I do. Of course.

Anxiety is unreasonable. My thoughts are unreasonable. They make a good pair.

Knowing what makes you anxious but still not being able to prevent it from appearing is frustrating. It makes me feel ill equipped and silly. I'm sure that this is actually a more positive step. Knowing what your beast is makes it easier to beat, surely? It gives you reasons and something to focus on.

The trouble is, I don't know how to be less anxious. No amount of CBT, mindfulness or medication have succeeded in halting my anxiety. I think I just need to accept that this is how I am and all I can do is feel it, explain it and sit through it. There is no reasoning with it, it doesn't listen. It is an uninvited guest to my party, changing the music and spilling drinks.

Most people know that I am an anxious person. Some may say highly strung, but isn't that just a term for people who don't understand the underlying issues? They accept it when I tell them that I feel anxious. That I don't feel like doing something or I have been climbing the walls because I am anxious about them. They accept it because I am able to tell them the reason. So much better than saying I don't know. Reasons, explanations, they all make a difference.

I'm not sure what to conclude. I am anxious, but I mostly always know the reasons why. I can't stop it and I'm not sure I will ever be able to. I am trapped by it but hopefully people will be able to understand it a bit more because I can explain it better. A million feelings, thoughts and reasons swirl around my head and I can at least be grateful that I am much better at sorting and filing them than I ever was.

I guess that's one less thing to worry about.