An alternative Christmas message

It's that time of year. Expectations are high and the pressure to have fun is immense. We will hear all the classics "Oh come on, smile", "Cheer up, it's Christmas" etc and while we smile through clenched teeth and fists, we know deep down that people are just trying to help. It's Christmas, the prearranged time of the year when we all have to be ok. It's just not that easy, but that is ok. Really, it is.

This is a difficult time of year for many people, not just depressives. It is a time when anxiety levels will go through the roof as we are confronted with many of our fears and triggers. It is also a time to feel. Maybe you will feel a roller coaster of emotions, from excited and happy to crushed and full of dread, I know I do. But whatever you feel, just feel it.

I told my boyfriend today that I was terrified I would have a breakdown over Christmas. He told me maybe I would, but I have to just let it happen. That it is temporary, much like the season. I know this is true, there is nothing I can really do to stop the feelings, but pretending that they are not there is never going to help me. Burying them under a pile of wrapping paper and sweet wrappers won't help.

Maybe I will just need to take some breaks, go hide on my own and allow myself to feel what I need to. Maybe everything will be fine and nothing will surface, I don't know. What I do know is, it doesn't matter either way. I am still loved, I am still wanted, I am still me.

A ball of fluff is enough

A while back I wrote a blog about my tree. I am proud to report that I did look after the tree (sorry, "the tree" has a name - it is Bruce) He has grown and stayed healthy and he is currently living it up as the king of all trees, the Christmas tree. Decorated and twinkling in my living room in all his splendor.

Having a focus is always good for me. Knowing I have something to direct my brain towards, to absorb my thinking time into something productive and positive, is something I really strive for. For me, this was always a pet, I wanted a pet so badly. Whilst the tree has been a lovely thing to see grow, it doesn't need me and it definitely doesn't interact with me. I needed something in return.

This week, those dreams finally came true when I adopted a rabbit from the RSPCA. The process of adoption was a roller coaster of emotions, anxiety and worry. I was both excited and terrified, happy but waiting for it to all go wrong. Thankfully it didn't go wrong and I now have a ball of fluff in my life who I named Howard Moon.

Her presence has had an immediate change on my life. My mood has lifted and my thoughts are more focused and useful. I can't say I haven't been anxious, because I definitely have. But they have been, at least for the most part, more useful thoughts such as "Have I fed the bunny enough?" rather than the more destructive and unproductive thoughts that had been bombarding my mind previously.

I have found myself much more able to get up in the morning, feeling like I have so much more purpose and knowing that someone is relying on me to look after her. My thoughts during the day drift to wondering what she is doing, rather than ruminating on the endless worries I may have. I want to be there to look after her and occasionally get to stroke her ears when she isn't running away from me in terror. I want to be present. I want to be me.

I have read articles that say that having an animal in your life is a great help to your mental health. I can say that even after four days, I can see a difference. Even my counsellor noticed the difference in me. I have already found myself talking endlessly about the 'hilarious' things the bunny did, showing off photos and generally being a boring, pet owner. I don't care. I want everyone to know that I am happy and I am happy because of a grumpy little rabbit who is currently too afraid to venture further than the door to her run.

I was told that her back story involved horrible abuse and neglect and as a result of this she had both physical and mental problems, including anorexia. I knew that she was the one for me, that we could both help each other to become better versions of ourself. Even if one is a helpless, wide eyed bundle of nerves and the other is a rabbit.

I know that a pet isn't a cure all, but I also know that it is a big change and shift in my life for the better. I have a responsibility now and need to make sure that I stay well so I can take care of her. She makes me take care of myself and for that I will always be grateful. Now I just need to work on getting more bunny hugs, as they definitely are a cure all.