Own goal

Every now and again, my brain checks in on me to ask a certain question: "Would killing yourself help?" It doesn't matter what the situation is, this question pops up like an uninvited guest. It doesn't just happen at moments of low mood and it doesn't even mean that I am feeling unhappy, it is just something that appears. Like having an annoying, repetetive song stuck in your head.

I don't know how common this is. It's not the sort of thing people tend to discuss.

"So, what have you been up to?"
"Oh, you know, wondering every now and then if I should kill myself"

But for me, I don't find this so strange. It's just something that I think from time to time. It's like being asked by a Chugger  if you want to give £5 a month to help homeless bees. Mildly annoying and your answer is almost always no.

Obviously, there are days when I am at such a low point that I think these things for myself. I don't need my brain to ask me if it would be a solution. I think to myself how it could be an answer.  I always conclude that it isn't.  It is becoming a less desirable thought to me. I used to stand just a little too close to the side of the train track or road. I used to entertain the thought so much more.

I have had many a discussion about suicide, about all facets and from many points of views. I can honestly say that I know that it is not an option for me. I understand why it feels like the only option for so many and I understand why some people think it is a selfish and unforgivable act. I see it from both sides and choose not to take either.

In a recent round of CBT, each week I was asked the usual questions about my personal safety. The wording of a certain question really bothered me. When discussing suicidal thoughts, I was asked if I had made "any plans to reach that goal?"

Goal.

I wondered if I was just being sensitive. I asked several people. I wasn't. Whilst I appreciate straightforwardness and honesty, I thought that this term was just insensitive and misjudged. I think it could easily have been taken horribly out of context by someone who was in a much worse place. Maybe I am wrong, it just didn't seem appropriate and still doesn't.

Whilst I have come to a decision that I do not want to and will not end my own life, there are so many people out there who have to deal with the struggle every day. I only hope that they can one day see their goal as getting help, getting better where possible and finding a way to get past those feelings.

That is a goal worth striving for.

No more, no less

Having finally come out of the other side of a terrible few weeks, I am starting to feel more...

Hold on...

I was going to say "normal." Nope, normal doesn't quite cut it.

"Like my old self" ...not really

I guess rather than being "more" something, I am just less broken.

I'll take that.

As I said in my last post, I won't be making New Year's resolutions, but I am trying to get myself into some good habits. I have started swimming again and brushed off the dust on my bike and ridden it several times (3 is several, right?) I am even trying to eat less junk. This one is hardest of all and I cannot promise that I will succeed. I have only just started with all of this so it is way too early to say if it is making any difference, but the very fact that I have even felt able to start these things tells me that I am going in the right direction.

One thing that has kept me on track, no matter how low I am, is my bunny. She is totally dependent on me and I think this is such a big thing for me. It doesn't matter how I am feeling, I have to look after her. She lets me hug her when I cry and seems to snuggle into me a little bit harder whenever I do. Maybe she is just scared of the noise, but I'm choosing to believe that she cares for her mama. Here is the fluff ball, she never fails to make me smile:

I was really shaken up by how intense the feelings I had over the last few weeks were and how it felt as real and as mind bendingly unreal as it could, all at once. At some points I wondered if I should go to hospital. Yet now, in the absence of those feelings, I wonder if I was just overreacting. Was I really feeling everything all at once? Were my head and heart really in such physical pain? The absence of a feeling can sometimes be just as startling as the feeling itself. Like when a noise ceases, you suddenly realise just how loud it was.

I guess it is just another way of being self critical. Denying (or at least, trying to) how bad a situation was. Maybe it is my brain's way of forgetting it, to brush it off and say "What? Those feelings didn't beat me! I am your brain! I am in charge here!" Either way, I am grateful that the moment has passed. No matter how many times you tell yourself that this is transient, you cannot help but feel at the time that it is most definitely permanent.

I decided a few days ago to start again and have my own New Year's Eve. My boyfriend and I had an evening out together and it felt like the beginning of a better time for me. I am discounting the last few weeks and grabbing onto my increasingly positive feelings. Things are already starting to look up and I have many reasons to be present and to keep a safe distance from the proverbial edge.

I feel less likely to slip, but I am no fool.

I just have to go with it and try my best. No more, no less.

Breaking down is hard to do

The first blog post I wrote, back in May, was prompted by the fact that I had pretty much had a mini breakdown and had no idea what to do. Whilst things have been changeable over the last 8 months, I feel that they have mostly been up, but I have had my fair share of down. So when Christmas came around, I tried to prepare myself for the feelings and issues that the season can bring up. I had no idea.

To put it bluntly, over New Year I had a breakdown. A meltdown. I dissolved. I couldn't function. I was not well. I am coming out of the other side of it now and I finally feel well enough to start to be normal again, to clean my house, eat something and focus my brain - hence this post.

It has been an exhausting week, physically and mentally. At many points, I didn't think that I would make it through. I experienced severe and crippling anxiety, suicidal thoughts, restlessness, exhaustion, total loss of appetite, the inability to sleep, the desire to never wake up again and feelings of such hopelessness that I barely knew who I was. This has taken it's toll on me. 

It all came to a head in a CBT session yesterday. I have found my latest round of CBT to be pretty useless. Some of the sessions have been, in my opinion, terrible. During one session I was told to "Just stop doing it" in response to some compulsions that I have. Not the best. 

This week, I just couldn't pretend any more when I was asked the killer question "How are you?" I was done with holding it in. I had reached my limit of "being ok." Gah, I can't even take my own advice. I had just been "being ok" and holding in as much as I could around others. It had to stop.

After a very therapeutic descent into tears and hysteria, I was given some coping strategies and kindness. I mopped myself up off of the chair and I left there thinking that things could get better. I am starting to believe this more and more and today I have been putting things into action. I am trying to improve my routine, taking time to let myself have nice things and appreciating quiet time on my own. My brain is recovering and needs all the help it can get.

So although my start to the year was less than good, I am hoping that this will be a good year for me. I am not going to waste time with New Year's resolutions, I am simply going to try to be good to myself without any expectations or pressure. I am not there yet. I still feel like it could all come crashing round my feet at any minute. I am not silly, I know that I am not better. I know that maybe I will never be free of this, that it will follow me round, lurking the shadow, ready to rear it's ugly head at any occasion. The best I can do is know that I can get through these moments, I can see that there is always an end to them. A dim but real light waiting for me at the end of a long and terrifying tunnel. 

New Year's day might have been one of my worst days yet, but it was just another day. It is no more significant than tomorrow or the next day and they hold all the potential in the world to be good days.