Yesterday's you

I just found this letter that I wrote to myself to read on the day that I finished my antidepressants. It lifted my spirits a little. It reminded me that things change and things can always be seen from a different perspective. That today's you is not tomorrow's you or yesterday's you.

Finding the sunshine

Lately I've been really sad. Lonely. Empty. Down on myself. I have good reason, but god, it's tiring.

Exhausting.

I don't want to wake up with all the possibilities in the world open to me, only to realise that I don't feel like I have the strength in me to try.

Yes, I know... time. We talked about this. But in the meantime, I need to be able to talk about the hurt that is ripping through me. The sadness that causes me to cry in front of strangers and ultimately, how this takes away all of my energy.

The couch is becoming my new best friend. It's safe, it doesn't hurt me, in fact, it's the closest thing to spooning I've had in a long time. The couch is my new big spoon. HELP ME.

Last week I burned myself out trying to fill my time with meeting people. I didn't want to be alone, so I made plans. Lots of plans. By the end of the week I was broken. Pretending to be ok is hard work. This week I am trying to give myself more time to just feel. Perhaps not allowing myself time to just wallow wasn't the best idea. Hey, give me a break, I'm new to this heartbreak thing.

I'm starting to feel the physical effects of it all too. Headaches, aching muscles, chest pains. My body telling me to stop. Slow down. Take some time. It's ok. Today my eye twitched for the entire working day. It looked like I was winking. I looked like a pirate, or a pervert (depending on who you ask). All of these physical symptoms can't be ignored, this is hurting more than my feelings.

I need to sleep. To eat well. To get back to the gym and sweat it out. To find the motivation that will help me ride this part of the wave. Another wave will come, and I'll have to work my way through that when it does.

A good friend sent me this quote:

A reassuring message that says I am not alone in what I am feeling, it's not new or unique and I shouldn't worry that it will never go away. It will. One day I will feel that sunshine. 

But the nights are getting darker and colder and the want for warm arms around me doesn't get easier to bear. The winter months bring sadness, quiet and emptiness. Can I hibernate until the sun comes back? Metaphorical or otherwise.

I wish I could end my post on a positive note, a call to action and a bid to find my sunshine in all of this. But I just don't have it in me right now. I just need to feel this and let myself get through it. One day I will be walking along the beach and feel that sunshine permeating every bit of me. One day, but not today. Just let me float through this winter, one day at a time.

Tick, tock

I know what sadness feels like. I've got that down to a tee. I'm well aquainted with anxiety, I'd even say I'm a professional. But what I was not ready for, what I didn't prepare myself for, was heartbreak. Good, old fashioned heartbreak. Feeling like my insides are on the outside. A constant gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach and a real, unrelenting pain in my chest.

You know when your stomach drops because you realise you've done something wrong? It's like that. But it doesn't let up. It's feeling lonely amongst friends. It's not being able to follow a conversation because your mind is not your own. It's waking up and remembering and wishing that you could forget. It's feeling lost and lonely and like you left half of yourself somewhere.

It's not wanting to be.

Suddenly, a lot of songs make much more sense. Suddenly, a lot of songs are impossible to listen to.

Time moves slowly.

Something funny happens and you turn around but no one is there beside you to share the joke.

You question yourself.

You blame yourself.

Kind words of encouragement come and go through your head, nothing more than background noise. 

Yes, I will keep going. Yes, I am a good person. But tell me, how do I turn off these feelings? When does it stop? When will it stop hurting so much?

There is no real answer. The answer, as always, is "time". 

Tick, tock. With every second it just hurts more.

Maybe it's not a broken heart. Maybe it's been removed all together. Maybe I'll never get it back. I'm not sure that I want it. It wasn't mine. It belonged to someone else. 

I'm not sure I need it anymore.