Peacocks and Penguins

I have always struggled with self esteem, confidence and belief in myself. I have always been afraid to try new things, for fear of getting them wrong or looking like a nob. I have always been embarrassed about myself, self conscious about my appearance and terrified of saying the wrong thing. Very little can help with this, though surrounding myself with people who like me for being me means that I can feel more at ease with myself. It's taken a long while to get to, but I no longer waste time with people who aren't good for me or don't get me.

The NHS website suggests that you can write down evidence that challenges the negative beliefs that come with low self esteem. When discussing my own feelings earlier, I came up with:

I am funny and good at hugs

My friend came up with:

You are smart and good at drawings and great at cheering me up and making weird food combinations and going for walks with.

I have to say that did cheer me up. I'd be friends with me.

Jokes aside, I know that there are good parts of me, positive attributes that people do like and appreciate. I know I'm not all bad. Buy why is it the downbeat, nagging doubts that have the loudest voice? Why can't I wake up and think "Woo today I'm going to make an awesome cup of tea and be a good friend to someone!" rather than "Christ, I look like a sausage in a bin bag"?

I don't know. Maybe because it is hard to allow yourself to like yourself. Is that a British thing? A female thing? A poor mental health thing? Well, I'm all three so it's hard to know. It's kind of looked down upon to like yourself. People call you vain, self centered, a twat. But why is it so bad?

I mean, there are limits. I'm not talking Narcissus here. I just mean why not allow yourself to acknowledge the good things about yourself?

I am considerate of other people's feelings. I will always share what I have. I can make a really good honking sound. I don't have any fillings.

See... that wasn't too hard. However I do feel like some bragging peacock and now really want to delete what I just wrote...

Maybe the more you get used to being nice about yourself, the easier it will become. Also, it's something just for yourself, to think about or to write down privately. I don't expect to be broadcasting the reasons that I am so great every day. Then people would start to think I was just a twat. Regardless, I know I'm not a twat, well not a total twat. God how many times have I said twat?

No one likes themselves all of the time (OK, maybe some people do) but attempting to challenge the thoughts and ideas I have about myself is a good place to start in order to get some way towards that. I will never be a peacock, but I will settle for being someone's penguin 😊