Anxiety: Some days just feel like

Peacocks and Penguins

I have always struggled with self esteem, confidence and belief in myself. I have always been afraid to try new things, for fear of getting them wrong or looking like a nob. I have always been embarrassed about myself, self conscious about my appearance and terrified of saying the wrong thing. Very little can help with this, though surrounding myself with people who like me for being me means that I can feel more at ease with myself. It's taken a long while to get to, but I no longer waste time with people who aren't good for me or don't get me.

The NHS website suggests that you can write down evidence that challenges the negative beliefs that come with low self esteem. When discussing my own feelings earlier, I came up with:

I am funny and good at hugs

My friend came up with:

You are smart and good at drawings and great at cheering me up and making weird food combinations and going for walks with.

I have to say that did cheer me up. I'd be friends with me.

Jokes aside, I know that there are good parts of me, positive attributes that people do like and appreciate. I know I'm not all bad. Buy why is it the downbeat, nagging doubts that have the loudest voice? Why can't I wake up and think "Woo today I'm going to make an awesome cup of tea and be a good friend to someone!" rather than "Christ, I look like a sausage in a bin bag"?

I don't know. Maybe because it is hard to allow yourself to like yourself. Is that a British thing? A female thing? A poor mental health thing? Well, I'm all three so it's hard to know. It's kind of looked down upon to like yourself. People call you vain, self centered, a twat. But why is it so bad?

I mean, there are limits. I'm not talking Narcissus here. I just mean why not allow yourself to acknowledge the good things about yourself?

I am considerate of other people's feelings. I will always share what I have. I can make a really good honking sound. I don't have any fillings.

See... that wasn't too hard. However I do feel like some bragging peacock and now really want to delete what I just wrote...

Maybe the more you get used to being nice about yourself, the easier it will become. Also, it's something just for yourself, to think about or to write down privately. I don't expect to be broadcasting the reasons that I am so great every day. Then people would start to think I was just a twat. Regardless, I know I'm not a twat, well not a total twat. God how many times have I said twat?

No one likes themselves all of the time (OK, maybe some people do) but attempting to challenge the thoughts and ideas I have about myself is a good place to start in order to get some way towards that. I will never be a peacock, but I will settle for being someone's penguin 😊

Something to say

I have neglected the blog for a while. It's not that I don't want to write something, I just haven't been able to. I mentioned this in my last post and things haven't gotten any easier. It's not that I don't have any issues, ha! God, no, I still have issues. I just haven't been able to put things down in words for a while. Thinking about it though, I think it's because I've started to speak up more.

If I am worried about something, I ask. If I am bothered by something, I say so. It's really working for me. It's something that I have been working on with my self esteem in mind. Being heard. Not being walked all over. Being just as important as everyone else. I may not yet believe it, but I am working towards it.

Let's take a completely hypothetical situation where someone who isn't me, was told they had to move desks at work. They were moved to sit with a different team, people who were very nice, but did not work with that person directly. This person felt like they were unimportant, that their feelings weren't considered. That they had been taken away from their team, that they had less capacity for learning how to do their job, for bonding with their teammates. Their complaints were initially dismissed. Eyes were rolled in their direction, people mocked them. But they did not give up, because they had a valid point, because they felt unhappy and uncomfortable and perhaps, maybe, they cried alone in the toilets about it.

That person took a plunge and spoke very openly and honestly in front of the entire company to say that they were unhappy with what had happened. A day later, they were returned to their seat. They instantly felt happier, they felt listened to.

And whilst that person was definitely not me, I understand how they feel. To feel that you are not being listened to, that you have no voice, that you are not as important as others, can be crippling. With the help of my psychotherapist, I am finding my voice. I am learning to say no. I am learning to turn down things that I don't want to do and to ask for things that I want. I speak up if something is not right and I question things that seem odd. God knows I don't always get it right, but that's how you learn.

I find that asking questions takes away some of my anxiety. I feel that saying no empowers me and that asking for things I want is making me happier. So many problems have arisen from keeping quiet, for not talking openly and for assuming rather than asking. I would rather know that I tried and failed than that I sat back and kept quiet. My obsessive thoughts are difficult to contain, they always come out eventually, but when they explode out of my mouth after a few days of worrying, things always seem worse than when I simply voice them as soon as I can. As we all know, nothing is ever as bad as you think it will be. Well, almost always.

So whilst I may have less to put down on (virtual) paper, I do, in fact, have a lot to say. I will just be saying more of it out loud. So expect more questions and maybe, if you're lucky... more complaints!

Not that it was me, of course.

A little bit of mindfulness

That is pretty much what it's like inside my head. A million thoughts rushing at lightning speed, never letting up, never quietening down, never giving respite. So why have I had nothing to say whenever I open up a new post for this blog? How can NONE of the endless, deafening thoughts come together and form something coherent, witty, entertaining, or, at a push, sort of interesting?

Every time I have tried to write something, nothing has come to me. The more I tried, the harder it got. Yet the noise continues. My psychotherapist told me

Woah.

Wait. Stop right there.

Yes. I have a psychotherapist now.

Get me.

I am seeing an amazing therapist once a week and she is really helping me get a grasp on my own feelings and make some great strides. I can chart my changes. I could draw up a time line and add flags to it, big, fancy flags that would flap in the wind, declaring the real and meaningful progress I have made. However as they started to play my national anthem (ok, it's getting rather fanciful, but bear with me) it would just be a giant mess of thousands of instruments playing out of time and way out of tune. I'm getting there, but the orchestra is still in the making.

Where was I? Oh yes, my psychotherapist told me to practice more mindfulness, which I have been making an effort with. For a brief few minutes last week, my mind went quiet as if someone had hit the mute button. It was glorious. I want more. I have set myself reminders to take breaks and to indulge myself in some breathing exercises. To retrain my brain. To rest it.

Of course, mindfulness isn't for everyone, but I do value it and what it does for me. I have had guided sessions in person and with recordings of someone speaking, both of which were very calming and useful to me. I am not a fan of going it on my own, I just can't trust myself to keep the heady rush of thoughts at bay. I like to be able to concentrate on someone else's voice and allow them to take me away. I feel an immediate benefit after the session and am always surprised at how the simple act of conscious breathing can make such a palpable difference.

There are countless studies into the benefits of mindfulness, but even if you are skeptical, it can't be argued that taking a ten minute break from your desk, allowing yourself to relax and take some deep breaths is going to be good for you in one way or the other.

So whilst I know that the noise is not going to disappear, I also know that for a brief amount of time, I can mute it. And for those thoughts that I cannot mute, I can learn to live with, to welcome them. As Rumi said so well:

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.