Take less shit

I've been thinking.

OK that's a stupid thing to say because I think all of the time. 24/7.

Specifically, I've been thinking about the reasons behind my afflictions. Can I get to the root of them? Is there a root?

I remember my most memorable descent into depression, though I can't be sure it was my first. I was living in London, after uni. I had very few friends around and to be perfectly frank, I lived with a bully. He segregated me from my friends but refused to spend time with me. He called me names, belittled me, ignored me for days on end (which is quite the feat when you live in a studio flat) and blamed me for everything. I mean, everything.

I was made redundant and within a few weeks was told that the tiny, shitty studio we inhabited had to be vacated within the month. I had to flat hunt on my own in London with no job to speak of. I remember on the day I went to sign for the equally shitty studio flat I finally found, with no help from him, I was a shadow of a human. The woman looked at me with great concern and told me not to worry, I'd be OK. Would I?

I let that relationship ruin me for almost 3 years. It gave me my fabulously low self esteem, a huge aversion to accepting blame and a pure hatred of being ignored. I can look back now and point to elements of that relationship that explain why I behave as I do today.

Acknowledging that this absolute waste of three years is something that has contributed to my mental health is a helpful step in working out how to rebuild myself. I wish I could say that after that relationship I became stronger, more assertive and took less shit. I can't. But I plan to make that the case. I'm going to start therapy. I'm going to bring this to the table. I'm going to make it a goal of mine: Take less shit.

Not just "a bit OCD"

"You could just slit your wrists."

"What's that?"
"Your wrists... you have that nice sharp knife in the kitchen."
"Oh, well, yes... I do, but..."
"Knife"
"I don't think I should..."
"Kitchen"
"I..."
"Wrists"
"Yeah, I'm ok thanks"

I had that conversation today.

"Wow, who would tell you to do that?" you ask.

It was me.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal right now. Yes, I know that that's confusing. Why would I think about slitting my wrists like that? The truth is, I can't control it. These thoughts pop up into my head indiscriminately and I can't stop them. They are not just about killing myself, but they are always unpleasant.

"Why don't you drown the bunny?"
"Step in front of that bus"
"Go and punch that woman in the face"
"They're laughing at you"
"He thinks you're an idiot"
"You bother people, no one wants to talk to you"
"Open the car door and throw yourself out"

The last one became a real problem for me, enough that I had to sit on my hands when I travelled regularly in a car.

This is OCD. A lot of people think that OCD is just wanting your house to look tidy etc and this isn't helped by a common notion for people to call themselves "a bit OCD". They're not "a bit OCD" they just have regular human traits and an enviable desire to clean their homes.

This is OCD. One version of it.

Mind describe obsessions as:

...unwelcome thoughts, images, urges, worries or doubts that repeatedly appear in your mind. They can make you feel very anxious.
You might find that sometimes your obsessions and compulsions are manageable and other times they are impossible to live with. They may be more severe when you are stressed about other things like work, university or relationships.

So far, I've been pretty good at arguing against these thoughts.

"Actually, my friend Henry gave me that sharp knife and he'd be mad as hell with me if I used it slit my wrists. So shut up." I know this for a fact, because he has told me this many times when I've told him about this specific, reoccurring thought. I picture his disappointment with me, it's enough.

I do feel like a bit of a prisoner to some of these thoughts. It is the bigger, more severe thoughts that I can reason with the easiest. The smaller, less vicious thoughts are actually the worst.

"No one likes you"
"Nothing you have to say is important"
"They're not replying to you because they hate you"

These day to day thoughts grind me down and just become commonplace thinking. Almost the norm. They follow me around and drag my confidence down. They are the voices that win. They don't have to shout the loudest to be heard.

But I am starting to argue with them. Not every time and I don't always win. But conversations are beginning. Questioning, challenging, disagreeing. I am also starting to realise that some of these feelings have not just been inside my head, I have had some negative experiences that often made me feel less than I really should have. I haven't always been treated as the person I should have been. I'm trying to turn that around.

I know and recognise that my thoughts are particularly bad at the moment as I have had quite a stressful time in the last month. I am proud of myself that I have gotten through the bad times without anything bad happening to me. That I have been able to push through the thoughts, which has been very difficult, as I have been suicidal at times.

I have found myself making the thoughts into real questions and asking other people:

"Am I bothering you when I message you?"
"No"
"Oh!" (In your face, thoughts!)

Whilst this doesn't mean that I immediately believe it, it's positive reinforcement for me and a validation that some things are just my mean thoughts. Hopefully, one day I will start to believe it. Challenging the thoughts is infinitely better than listening to them.

The thoughts are still here, but I'm doing my best to drown them out. Definitely them, not the bunny.

*When having suicidal thoughts, I contacted Papyrus  - stay safe.

Sweet nothing

So I read a blog post recently that really resonated with me. It was about having few close friends. About not having someone who will just message you asking "wanna come over?" About having friends, acquaintances, but no one who is just there to hang out with and do nothing in particular. About how it is difficult and bewildering to think about trying to rectify this in your 30's.

This hasn't always been the case for me. But currently, it is a painful truth. There have been circumstances that have lead me to lose touch with people. To be in much less frequent contact. But it can't be denied that they too, have let contact fall by the wayside. Getting older, life getting in the way, busy schedules, personal issues, simply losing interest.

I have had intense friendships that lasted for a short while, before I was pushed out, excluded and hurt when they decided that they were better off without me. I have had friendships that lasted for years and felt permanent, only for me to never hear from that person ever again once distance became a factor. People are fickle. People confuse me.

But I also have friendships that endure, make me feel loved and special and like I have a place. The fact that there is a distance between us means little. But, unfortunately, that distance does hamper things. If only I could click my heels and be where I wanted to be. I'd be on a couch, drinking tea with them every day. They know who they are.

Recently, I've tried quite hard to initiate contact, to ask people if they want to do something. Tried to fill my time with people, friendly faces and shared experiences. Not all of my efforts have paid off. I still find myself feeling lonely and, often, guilty for asking for people's time. But something is missing. I think it's that special ingredient in friendship... doing nothing.

Every time I see someone, we do something. I want to do nothing. Stupid as it sounds. I want that someone who wants to do nothing with me. Just sit. Just be. That's what I want. *

So, how do I go about meeting these people? These people who don't want to do things, especially. Are they out and about looking for me? Are they sitting at home doing nothing? Are they currently out with an acquaintance, doing things for the sake of it?

I mean, I'm not saying that I want to become a hermit, I don't. But I just want to find someone who is just happy to be and wants to hang out with me, just because I'm me. I want someone who will ask me to do something, rather than me feeling like I'm bothering people all the time. I don't actually remember the last time someone asked me to do something. That makes me feel sad.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just not great friend material. Maybe I'm not fun and exciting enough.  Maybe staying at home and eating pick n mix is old hat. I don't know. It could be because I haven't lived in one place for long enough. I seem to move every couple of years. I don't settle, I don't know anyone living around me. Maybe it's my anxiety. It could put people off and doesn't help me come across well. Maybe it's all of those things.

I will continue to reach out to people, despite the fact that I feel uncomfortable. I will continue to hope that they will reciprocate. I will continue to think the best of people. I have to.

As I slowly but surely recover from and maintain my mental health issues, I hope that I can do the same with friendships. Maintain them, watch them grow and ultimately, hope that they can become something special. And hope that we can reach the best form of friendship goals... Doing nothing.

Sweet nothing.




*I must say that I do have a best friend who would happily do nothing with me as often as possible, but we are separated by over 100 miles - I would just really like more people like this in my life - daily.

This is the blog that inspired me: https://anxiwarrior.wordpress.com/2016/10/08/billy-no-mates/