Someone to share the last cookie with

I recently lost one of my best friends. He didn't die, he moved to Sweden.

I denied to myself that he was leaving right up until the minute I said goodbye to him in the street and we both shuffled away, in the same way we would have if we were just catching up later that week. Denial was easier, anything else may cause tears.

I knew it would be hard for me. This was someone I spent many an afternoon watching terrible films with, someone who allowed me to turn up at his door, crying and covered in snot and he would simply make me an under filled cup of tea and get on with it. It was pretty simple. We ate food, drank tea, Googled the most random things and we talked as and when it was needed. That's friendship. It asks for nothing and expects nothing, it's easy to take for granted.

Since he left, I feel that there is a void. A lanky, friend shaped hole that he left. Yeah, sure we can email and WhatsApp but it's just not quite the same. Humans need company. I do. I like to be in the company of others. I like small gatherings, I like to know the people I am hanging out with. I like familiarity, routine, comfort.

So I'm in a bit of a predicament. How do you make new friends? At the age of 33, where do I go to meet new people and form purely platonic, meaningful relationships? It's not easy. Whilst I have many aquaintances and some good friends, they all have their own lives and to be honest, some have just turned out to not be the people I had thought they were. Whilst I am happy to maintain and work on good friendships, I refuse to let people drag me down. If someone doesn't want to make an effort, that's their choice.

I worry that I'm too old to make friends, that I am too awkward, anxious and weird. I talk myself out of going to do things and I'm scared to put myself into new situations. Does that mean I'm being left behind? Is that what anxiety is taking from me? Do I need to go to groups and make friends with other anxiety sufferers? I don't know if this would be a good thing because they would understand and relate or if it would be a bad thing as it may encourage me to stick with a lot of my current behaviours. I guess I won't know until I try.

So out into the world of friendship making I go. Feeling like this but trying to appear more. It's all part of looking after myself, trying to surround myself with people who will help me to feel like me. I can't replace the people who aren't here anymore, but I can definitely try to find someone else to short change my cup of tea.

Dear Brain

Dear Brain,

I know we have been together for quite a long time now and I know that for a lot of years, you have been in charge. I have let you make the calls, decide on how we should feel and what will upset us. You chose to take the hard route, to test us both and push us to our limits. You chose sadness and frustration, anxiety and worry, you got us both lost.

It's time for me to take the reigns, to navigate us out of this and let you admit that you got it wrong. It's ok, everyone gets it wrong sometimes, but I've had enough, you've had your turn and now it's mine.

Today I took the first steps to being med free and I will start on a reduced dose from tonight. I have signed up to the gym and will exercise and swim my way to endorphins (an endorphin dolphin?!!) as well as eating more sensibly and doing things for me. I am going to look after myself. I am going to put myself first.

I know you tried, brain, I'm not denying that, but there is so much I need to do and I have to do this myself. For the first time in so long I feel confident and positive that I can do this. I can get myself to a good place, a stable place and a more "normal"* place.

Don't despair, we can still be friends. You just need to take a back seat and focus on the more important things like breathing, repairing all the broken parts of me and of course, thinking up awesome made up song lyrics.

I will work on the wellness, positive thinking, happiness and quiet peace of mind. I think we can do this. I think I can do this. I have made the first move. I believe in myself and I want to be me, the real me.

Take a rest, dear brain, slow down and allow yourself to feel the things you've denied yourself for so long. It's ok, everything will be ok.

Lots of love,

Me


*Though using the word "normal" makes me squirm somewhat.

A weight on my mind

Someone recently told me that I had gotten fat. It really hurt. It felt like a kick in my obviously oversized gut, it made me feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself that I had let myself get to that state. I became very self conscious, more so than usual and I made all the usual promises to myself to sort myself out.

I had planned to join the swimming pool and gym in the New Year, but one thing lead to another and between breakdowns, illness and bereavements, I haven't got round to it yet. I had planned to eat better, but between breakdowns, illness and bereavements, I haven't got round to that yet either.  In summary, I'm not doing so well with it all.

But I began to think, what was the cause of my weight gain?

Culprit number one, being in a new relationship:

Ok, so my relationship is no longer so new, but at the beginning, with all of those meals out, take away nights in and generally feeling all loved up, the fat piles on. Romantic strolls along the beach do not burn as many calories as you'd hope.

Culprit number two, lack of motivation:

I can't lie, I suffer a terrible lack of motivation. Just to get started. Once I'm off, I'm good. But getting started.... There are a million better things I could be doing. Such as... sitting... thinking... googling pictures of bunnies in fancy dress...

Culprit number three, desserts:

I have to take on some of the blame, it's not like I hardly eat, but I was never really a fan of desserts. Then I met my boyfriend and he had a terrible dessert based effect on me <insert your Spotted Dick puns as you like> and now I am a bit a of a dessert fiend. In fact, right now I'm thinking about chocolate brownie ice-cream...

Culprit number four, age:

Sad but true. Enough said.

Culprit number five, tired eating:

I eat when I am tired because I am grumpy when I am tired and eating makes me less grumpy. I am tired when my sleeping is bad, my sleeping is bad when I am sad, when I am sad, I eat, when I get fat, I get sad. Got it??

Culprit number six, meds:

Ah, finally one I can blame! A listed side effect of anti-depressants is weight gain. I guess it is one of the harder aspects to accept, especially for those with low self esteem. People don't look so sympathetically on it as they would if they saw your hands shaking or your tears falling.

Happiness is so much more than physical appearance and I know that, deep down. But that doesn't mean I am not looking forward to a possible weight loss when I stop my meds. Though I also know that I need to at least try to make an effort myself and not just expect miracles, I am holding on to a little bit of hope that with the bad side effects, some good may also come.

So I am basically looking for the motivation to eat better, start exercising and refuse desserts, whilst staying in love, sleeping well and giving up my meds. Easy!

I think I'll start on Monday...

Med free since...erm... 2016

So I have made my appointment with the doctor. This is happening, I will be meds free. Well, there is still a while to go due to the fact that I could only get an appointment in three weeks time and obviously because I will have to be weaned off them; but woo, I'm doing it.

Having read up on the potential side effects when reducing and stopping your dose, (depression, anxiety, insomnia et al) I am still left wondering if I will be able to feel a change but I am looking forward to it. If that is the right way of expressing it. I think it is.

I am looking forward to med free me. Maybe other people won't be so welcoming, but I can't wait to find out what will happen. I found a useful page on the Mind website which explains it nicely, it lists the following possible symptoms:

• flu-like symptoms• electric shock sensations in head• stomach cramps• dizziness; vertigo• crying spells• sleep disturbance• weird dreams• fatigue• sensory disturbance• tinnitus• movement disorders• concentration and memory problems• mood swings• suicidal thoughts

To be honest, much of those are day to day aspects of my life. I'm confused again.

No matter, I'm going to do this and I'm going to find out. I'll find out how it feels and I'll find out how I feel. It is going to take longer than I would like, but I think it will be worth the wait.