Two depressives get on a train

Two depressives get on a train... It's not a joke, that was my weekend.

I haven't had the best week or so and I also hadn't seen a good friend in a long time. I decided to remedy both points by meeting up with said friend and having a day of fun. By calling it a day of fun beforehand, you can guarantee that it will be fun.

We decided to start the day (of fun) by meeting at the train station and getting the first train that was leaving to somewhere nice. Some time ago, this would have struck fear into my heart. Unplanned train travel? Gah. But not now; I was not only not phased, but I was actually looking forward to it. A phrase I had to dust the cobwebs off of a little.

Both my friend and I are depressives and have anxiety issues and many of our chats involve talking about such issues. We have talked over more cups of tea and sat in comfortable silence with each other more time than I can remember and are always on hand to try to get to the bottom of our feelings, whether we find an answer or not. But this day we just enjoyed being.

We walked in the sun by the river, visited an antiques fair, window shopped, ate well, drank tea and answered life's most important question: "Would you rather be a donkey or a horse?" Only today as I wrote this, did I realise that we didn't turn to our most frequent subject of our thoughts, feelings and moods. We were just us. Two people.

Towards the end of the day, as we walked to the train station, we crossed over a bridge and stopped to look over  the edge at the water below. I cannot stand on such a bridge without thinking of jumping off it or something falling over (such as my possessions). It's a terrible weakness of mine and I can't help but have to step back a little, just in case. This may have put me on edge a little, but that was nothing compared to the train home.

Each carriage was full when we pushed our way on and stood in the middle of the aisle. I imagined we probably looked quite funny as I gripped the seat as hard as I could and occasionally made noises to myself while my friend quietly gritted his teeth. Neither of us talked much and it was clear we were getting through it as best we could. Two stops later and almost everybody got off, we took our seats and breathed a sigh of relief and continued talking as if nothing had happened. That, my friends, is progress.

We promised each other that we would try to do things like that more often, knowing how good for us it had been. Not only as a way of spending time with a friend who understands, but because it really was good for our brains. To give them a day off from being a depressed person and just let them be a person. Being us was really good for us.

Is it ok to be ok?

My depression and anxiety, like many others, are not constant. They come and go, ebb and flow without real pattern and are as unpredictable as they are cruel. I imagine that some people with no experience of depression think that it's all or nothing. Either you are brought down to your knees or you are cured. It may be hard to accept that the smiling, laughing colleague who always has a joke at hand is actually a depressive. How can they be when they always seem happy enough? Of course, we are masters of disguise, but also, some days, we are just ok.

Not every day is a bad day. Not every mood is a bad one. Not every smile is fake. Sometimes it can be quite worrying when you realise that today, you feel ok. Shouldn't I be anxious? Shouldn't I feel like I am not ready for today? That I just want to hide? Is it really ok to be ok?

The short answer is yes. It is very ok.

A day without intrusive thoughts, sadness or fear. It may not even be an amazing and fun filled day, but whilst you might not be having the best day of your life, you are getting there. You have achieved things and made progress and it didn't hurt. Maybe you did your washing, maybe you finally met up with a friend after 6 months or maybe you had a breakthrough at work. It doesn't matter what you did, you did it.

I guess the absence of a feeling can sometimes be as worrying as the feeling itself and if you are prone to obsessive thinking (and many of us are) then your thoughts can get carried away with themselves.

"Why am I not a ball of sadness?? What is wrong with me?? What are these non sad feelings??"

But I have found that the more good days I get, the less I worry. I try to leave it until the bad days to worry, so I don't waste any of the good days. I know that every good day I get is something to be celebrated, not questioned. But a good day is not always possible and a bad day is not always welcome so I am happy with those ok days. They give you something to aim for and something to better, and I'm ok with that.

What my anxiety looks like

I have been feeling very anxious today. I tried to create a cartoon to show what my anxiety looks like but I just couldn't get it right. Then I looked at all the tat I have on my desk at work and I saw it. This is what my anxiety looks like:

The shell was a gift from a friend when he went diving, the eyes were given to me by another friend. I had combined them without thinking. When I look at the shell, all wide eyed and worried, this is how I think I look today. I am interested to know how other people's anxiety looks to them.

What to say when you don't know what to say

I have seen loads of articles, cartoons and tweets about how to help people with depression. Top 10 lists of things you should or shouldn't say to the depressed. Some are good, others are awful. I guess some things are just obvious. Don't say "Cheer up, it could be worse" unless you enjoy facing the wrath of a sad person. Do offer lots of support and endless cups of tea. When times are hard, tea makes all the difference.

So what should you be saying to us depressives? Or what do we want to hear? This is my own personal version of what to say when you don't know what to say. Just like me, it may be contradictory and confusing. Ah well!

Nothing.
What do you mean, nothing? I thought this was about what I should be saying? Well, sometimes, dear reader, less is more. Sometimes, just listening is enough. Hold our hand, look into our eyes and listen to what we have to say. Let us ramble and rant and cry and snot everywhere. Sometimes we just need to talk ourselves ok. If we really want you to respond, we will let you know. But as they say, silence is golden.

Do you want to play this game with me?
I love a good distraction. Something mindless and fun to keep my brain away from it's destructive thinking. Not only is a game just that, but you are asking me to come play it with you. You want to spend time with me, you want to be around me. That makes me feel better.

Do you want a hug?
Yes, yes I do.

Let me tell you a story...
Sit with me, talk to me, let me be the silent one. Tell me a long and detailed story, real or fiction, it doesn't matter. Don't get angry if it looks like I may not even be paying attention. You're there with me, your words are comforting.

I've noticed these improvements.
If you have seen positive improvements or changes, tell me, I won't be offended. You think I am coping with this better? Am I no longer as manic as I used to be? It's hard to notice the positive changes in yourself. Your feedback is useful. Just keep it positive.

It's ok to feel that way.
You may think that any sort of negative feeling and thinking should be discouraged. I disagree. Sometimes we need to know that we are not failing, we aren't letting anyone down by how we feel. Sometimes it is ok to be sad. You won't feel this way forever, it is ok to feel that way.

Do you want me to do that for you?
People need help from time to time and often they won't even realise how much they need it. Knowing that an offer of help is always there is great. Actually having someone ask you what they can do to help you is even better. Since I started getting better, my ability to keep my house in an obsessionally clean state has decreased, some days I'd say it was dirty. If someone would like to offer to come help me clean it, I would not be offended. Please... come and clean my house.

I got you this...
Who doesn't love a gift? Who doesn't like to know that someone was thinking about them? Whether it is a shell they picked up on a beach or the most expensive jewellery money can buy, it really is the thought that counts. Someone took the time out of their day to think of you, someone cares. Also - gifts... everyone loves gifts.

Can I ask for your advice?
It may not be the case for everyone, but I love to be distracted by other people's issues. It takes me away from my own and it allows me to concentrate on something else for a while. Other people have problems, I don't want to just be embroiled in my own. Let's talk about you.

I love you
It's simple enough, but more important than you'll ever know.