I haven't been feeling quite right lately, I haven't been able to quite pinpoint it exactly. Felt like I'm on the verge of coming down with something, a mixture of things that didn't make sense. But the one constant, the one unvarying and ever present factor was tiredness. Wow, am I tired. So I did the only sensible thing anyone can do in that situation... I Googled my symptoms.
Yes, I know. Google diagnosis is a terrible rabbit hole. I once had a very sore thumb and a few searches later I was being directed to A&E. I get it. But... Well, I think it might actually be right this time. I came across an article that described all of my symptoms, I read a couple more and I definitely agreed. Dr Google had hit the nail on the head. It was....
... Exhaustion.
OK. OK. I know, that's what celebrities cry when they are skulking off to rehab. It sounds like a bullshit excuse. But I can't deny that it fits exactly how I am feeling. It even explained some things that I hasn't even considered to be part of the problem. But could that really be the problem? I mean, I don't even live a very active life, I'm as lazy as they come, my job is not stressful or horribly difficult. Am I entitled to be exhausted? Wouldn't people just laugh at me if I said that?
But I am. I am exhausted.
And who says who's entitled to be anything? I know there's a post Christmas slump, the January blues, call it what you like, but this is different. My thoughts are slow, my brain is a fog, getting out of bed is not just difficult, it's almost an impossible feat. I can barely get myself to walk to work, nevermind go to the gym and my misophonia is through the roof - something that always gets worse the more tired and stressed I am. I don't want to go anywhere and I am finding it hard to keep up with conversations.
If I could stay in bed for a week, I would.
My plan was to get up and go to the gym before work each day this year and I have succeeded a grand total of zero times. My plan B was to go to the gym at lunch time instead (also failed) and then plan C was to go after work (also failed) I thought it would give me energy, but I just couldn't find the energy to go. I didn't even beat myself up about it. My brain thanked me. The couch was so much more inviting.
Maybe it's a vicious cycle (not an angry bike) I mean, I can't be arsed to exercise, but if I just exercised I'd have the energy I needed to exercise. Hold on, my brain hurts. I don't even know how I've gotten this far with this post.
So what should I do? Obviously I've been back to Google to get some advice on this as well, and apparently I need fresh air, oily fish and lots of water. So I'm off to audition to be the new Captain Birdseye.
One thing that is new though, is that I'm not beating myself up about this. I'm tired, it's ok. I need to rest, it's ok. I don't need to be forcing myself to do things. I'll get there. So whilst I may not be checking myself into a fancy, countryside retreat as per the celebs, I am going to indulge in sleep, sit down, eat, drink water and allow my mind to just go it's own way. The gym will still be there when I get there. Until then, I guess the fish fingers are on me....
