Pickiness and pedantry

So I've just been made redundant. It wasn't a total shock but it also wasn't on my top 10 things to do this week. If anything, it's kind of inconvenient. But then again, it's also kind of an opportunity.

I've never quite known what I want to be when I grow up. At 5 years old, I proclaimed that I wanted to fold clothes in C&A for a living, at 15 I had aspirations of being a pharmacist and by the time I was choosing a college course, I was all set for the heady world of TV production. I am now 35 and although I folded jumpers ahoy part time during uni, did my school work experience at a local chemist and once did a work placement on Blue Peter, I still haven't really found out exactly what it is that floats my boat.

After some jobs in TV and film production, I packed it all in and went to Thailand to teach English. At the time I found the work I was doing just didn't fulfil me. It all came to a head one day when I was having a heated email debate with Orlando Bloom's agent because Orlando had complained about the size of his nose on a DVD cover. I just decided that there were more important things in life so I handed in my notice at the best paying job I've ever had and flew off to teach 14 year olds the Cha Cha Slide.

I really enjoyed my year in Thailand, but I didn't want to be a teacher full time. But I took something from that job (and I'm not talking about that pack of colouring pens I nicked). A desire to make my work centre around people.

Cut to now, and after a whole lot of years in software testing (showcasing my inbuilt pickiness, pedantry and penchant for pointing out problems) and a wonderful foray into the world of User Experience, I think I've found a little niche for myself. And now here I am, standing on the precipice of change and yeah, it's terrifying.

Change scares me but I am quite glad I've been given this push. I am looking forward to finding a place for myself in the world, and in the last week, I've talked to so many lovely people. People who want to help total strangers, people who want to give their advice and guidance purely just to help someone along their way. People I've known for ages who have rallied round to do whatever they can to make this time easier.

Thanks to these people, I have the confidence to move forwards, onwards and upwards. Thanks to these people, I think I will find my place in the world. Ah people, you're not so bad. Apart from you, Orlando Bloom...

  

Googling your symptoms

I haven't been feeling quite right lately, I haven't been able to quite pinpoint it exactly. Felt like I'm on the verge of coming down with something, a mixture of things that didn't make sense. But the one constant, the one unvarying and ever present factor was tiredness. Wow, am I tired. So I did the only sensible thing anyone can do in that situation... I Googled my symptoms.

Yes, I know. Google diagnosis is a terrible rabbit hole. I once had a very sore thumb and a few searches later I was being directed to A&E. I get it. But... Well, I think it might actually be right this time. I came across an article that described all of my symptoms, I read a couple more and I definitely agreed. Dr Google had hit the nail on the head. It was....

... Exhaustion.

OK. OK. I know, that's what celebrities cry when they are skulking off to rehab. It sounds like a bullshit excuse. But I can't deny that it fits exactly how I am feeling. It even explained some things that I hasn't even considered to be part of the problem. But could that really be the problem? I mean, I don't even live a very active life, I'm as lazy as they come, my job is not stressful or horribly difficult. Am I entitled to be exhausted? Wouldn't people just laugh at me if I said that? 

But I am. I am exhausted.

And who says who's entitled to be anything? I know there's a post Christmas slump, the January blues, call it what you like, but this is different. My thoughts are slow, my brain is a fog, getting out of bed is not just difficult, it's almost an impossible feat. I can barely get myself to walk to work, nevermind go to the gym and my misophonia is through the roof - something that always gets worse the more tired and stressed I am. I don't want to go anywhere and I am finding it hard to keep up with conversations.

If I could stay in bed for a week, I would.

My plan was to get up and go to the gym before work each day this year and I have succeeded a grand total of zero times. My plan B was to go to the gym at lunch time instead (also failed) and then plan C was to go after work (also failed) I thought it would give me energy, but I just couldn't find the energy to go. I didn't even beat myself up about it. My brain thanked me. The couch was so much more inviting.

Maybe it's a vicious cycle (not an angry bike) I mean, I can't be arsed to exercise, but if I just exercised I'd have the energy I needed to exercise. Hold on, my brain hurts. I don't even know how I've gotten this far with this post.

So what should I do? Obviously I've been back to Google to get some advice on this as well, and apparently I need fresh air, oily fish and lots of water. So I'm off to audition to be the new Captain Birdseye.

One thing that is new though, is that I'm not beating myself up about this. I'm tired, it's ok. I need to rest, it's ok. I don't need to be forcing myself to do things. I'll get there. So whilst I may not be checking myself into a fancy, countryside retreat as per the celebs, I am going to indulge in sleep, sit down, eat, drink water and allow my mind to just go it's own way. The gym will still be there when I get there. Until then,  I guess the fish fingers are on me....