A little bit of mindfulness

That is pretty much what it's like inside my head. A million thoughts rushing at lightning speed, never letting up, never quietening down, never giving respite. So why have I had nothing to say whenever I open up a new post for this blog? How can NONE of the endless, deafening thoughts come together and form something coherent, witty, entertaining, or, at a push, sort of interesting?

Every time I have tried to write something, nothing has come to me. The more I tried, the harder it got. Yet the noise continues. My psychotherapist told me

Woah.

Wait. Stop right there.

Yes. I have a psychotherapist now.

Get me.

I am seeing an amazing therapist once a week and she is really helping me get a grasp on my own feelings and make some great strides. I can chart my changes. I could draw up a time line and add flags to it, big, fancy flags that would flap in the wind, declaring the real and meaningful progress I have made. However as they started to play my national anthem (ok, it's getting rather fanciful, but bear with me) it would just be a giant mess of thousands of instruments playing out of time and way out of tune. I'm getting there, but the orchestra is still in the making.

Where was I? Oh yes, my psychotherapist told me to practice more mindfulness, which I have been making an effort with. For a brief few minutes last week, my mind went quiet as if someone had hit the mute button. It was glorious. I want more. I have set myself reminders to take breaks and to indulge myself in some breathing exercises. To retrain my brain. To rest it.

Of course, mindfulness isn't for everyone, but I do value it and what it does for me. I have had guided sessions in person and with recordings of someone speaking, both of which were very calming and useful to me. I am not a fan of going it on my own, I just can't trust myself to keep the heady rush of thoughts at bay. I like to be able to concentrate on someone else's voice and allow them to take me away. I feel an immediate benefit after the session and am always surprised at how the simple act of conscious breathing can make such a palpable difference.

There are countless studies into the benefits of mindfulness, but even if you are skeptical, it can't be argued that taking a ten minute break from your desk, allowing yourself to relax and take some deep breaths is going to be good for you in one way or the other.

So whilst I know that the noise is not going to disappear, I also know that for a brief amount of time, I can mute it. And for those thoughts that I cannot mute, I can learn to live with, to welcome them. As Rumi said so well:

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.