A job interview

A job interview.

A terrifying prospect. So many triggers, so many things to go wrong, so many things to be considered. Where do I start?

First of all, I will set the scene. This wasn't the usual kind of new job interview, it was with the company I already work for. That should mean it is easier, right? I already know the people, I'm comfortable in my surroundings, I didn't even have to dress up smartly (yeah, I can be the casual bum I usually am at work!) But I still felt the kind of overwhelming anxiety that comes with a scary situation, the prospect of change and the very real possibility of making a tit of myself.

My confidence has never been high, and lately, after a few problems, it has taken a few blows. So to say that I wasn't very confident when I entered the room is an understatement. I could barely move in the hours leading up to it and no amount of going over the notes I'd made could convince me that I was prepared or qualified enough.

I was convinced I was going to have nothing to say or, even worse, have too many stupid things to say. I was scared I may cry. I was scared of looking stupid, sounding stupid, being stupid. I was worried that I wouldn't get the job, I was worried about the changes that would come with getting the job. I was worried about the unknown. I was worried.

So what happened?

I was terrified, but the nice thing was, I was able to say that. When I walked into the room, after making my standard jokey entrance (part sense of humour, part coping mechanism) when I was asked how I was, I very honestly said, "terrified". This was met with smiles and warm encouragement. I answered all of the questions put to me, but I could hear myself babbling, suddenly realising how horrifyingly boring my voice is, stumbling to get all the words I wanted to say, out. But I got them out.

It was a short and sweet meeting, a formality really.

I was unconvinced by the end of it. I continued to worry that I hadn't said the right things or hadn't said enough. I returned to my desk and remembered a hundred things I should have said. Better answers. Better jokes. A better comedy exit.

I just had to sit and wait. My stomach tangled with doubt and worry.

I got the job.

Me. Unconfident, scared me. Me, who always thinks that I am not enough, not right, not capable. Me, who is terrified of change.

The knot in my stomach untangled and I felt something all sunny and warm... Happy, proud, accomplished. The agonising doubt dissipated for once and I could accept that today, I was good enough.

I have a long way to go with my self confidence and remembering that nothing is ever as bad as I imagine it will be. But this is a big boost for me. I have a new, brilliant job. I have a (perhaps temporary) boost to my confidence and I have some exciting times ahead of me. I know that I also have a lot of worry ahead of me, I can't help that. But for now, I am enjoying this feeling.

Happy.

One bad day

One bad day. That's all it takes. Just one bad day and it feels like it's undone all of your hard work. It doesn't matter how you felt yesterday. Today came along and smashed it all. You blame yourself and that just makes you feel worse... Why couldn't you just stay well? What now? Now that everything is ruined? Where do you go from here?

Truth is, you just get tomorrow. And maybe tomorrow will be fine.

It was just one day. One bad day.

Yesterday was bad, but that doesn't mean today will be. Nor does it mean I am a failure. In fact, today is much improved upon yesterday. I am still here, I am still alive. So I'll let yesterday go. Accept it as just one of those things. Recovery is not a straight line. It is a winding path which will go up and down and lead me to places I hadn't intended on going. But I will get there eventually. 

One bad day does not break me, though it may feel so at the time. One bad day just reminds me of the countless good days that preceded it and the many more that will follow it. 

Yesterday, I reached out for help to HOPEline UK. They are a great service who can text you with help and advice when you are in crisis. Find out more here