Happy birthday, blog

So it has been a year since I started this blog. What have I learned? I learned that getting things out of your head is beneficial, writing it down is therapeutic and allowing others to read it is scary. I began the blog because I was sitting in my living room, alone and hysterical. I didn't know what to do and I needed to change the feelings into something useful. As time went on, I realised that I had a lot more to say and that even if no one was really following it, it was useful for me and a good way to vent, analyse and record my feelings.

My journey has been up and down and the subject matters have reflected that. I have always tried to be honest and open and to speak about things that were close to me. I don't know whether people have followed the posts or if I just get random interest from Twitter, but I do know that I have had almost 8,000 post views over the year and that, to me, is amazing. It may not be a lot to other people, but for me, knowing that what I am writing may possibly help someone to feel less alone, is brilliant.

As I continue my journey to come off my meds, I am experiencing difficulties as well as positives. While I may get headaches, tiredness and feel like my brain is being crushed and overrun with thoughts, at the same time, I also feel more emotionally stable. When I think about it, I feel like my depression has been turned off, but my anxiety has been amped up.

Anxiety is affecting me even more so than usual and I am finding it a bit worrying. My thoughts and worries race, my self esteem is rock bottom and my behavior suffers as a result. I don't know if this is because of the meds, I am hoping that it is and I'm going to believe that it is just a side effect and it will wear off as the meds do. I think I have to believe that.

Lately, noises have been really affecting me. Loud conversations, shouting, music, eating, all drive me to distraction and I can't concentrate. My misophonia is in overdrive and my thoughts are spiraling. In order to keep my thoughts away, I listen to music with headphones in at work. But the music can be very distracting and often makes my mind wander or makes it feel like it's caving in. Some may call that a catch 22. I try different types of music, sometimes I try just sitting with headphones in with no music on. I feel very unproductive.

But then I notice that I am getting a lot of work done. I am engaged and I know what's going on and what to do. So I know that this hasn't been the case all the time, I am making progress. I am capable. I have to notice the positives. I have to remember to give myself a break and a proverbial pat on the back. It is hard for anyone to remember to give themselves credit. I am no exception.

Though I know I have come a long way in a year (often by going backwards to come forwards again) I also know that I still have so much further to go. I have 8 more weeks of coming off my meds and therefore 8 more weeks of surprise feelings, symptoms, emotions and songs stuck in my head. This is the thing I was almost looking forward to - finding out what I would feel. Now I just need to wait and see if this is actually me or still medication me. Only time will tell, so here's to another year of ups and downs. I know I can handle it.

Get stuffed

I have a stuffed dinosaur. I'm not ashamed to admit that, as a so called grown up, I have a stuffed toy who I hug when times get hard. That dinosaur has mopped up some tears, has been there when I had no one else and generally provided squishy hugs when needed. His name is Gary Best, here he is:

Now, Gary isn't my first (though I won't tell him that, I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings) there have been stuffed toys before him; an owl named Polly Darton, a kangaroo named Spencie, a ginger bear named H. They all served their time and have all been retired, given time to enjoy their latter years without all the snot and tears.

There is something comforting in having something to hug as you cry, when you feel low or even just when you are tired and grumpy. The psychology behind this is that it is a security object, something to give comfort and make us feel safe. In my darkest and hardest times, when I feel most lost, security is something that is beyond important. I guess I cling on to anything that will give me a glimmer of that. 

When I am sleeping alone in a bed made for two, Gary Best is on hand to keep me warm, he is someone to direct my "goodnight" to and make me feel less alone. I hate sleeping alone (a complete 180 to how I used to feel a few years ago) and I struggle to sleep properly when I am on my own. Admittedly, he isn't the best at providing body heat, but he is better than nothing.

Some people may think it's daft, holding a stuffed toy in such high regard. I should grow up, move on, etc etc. But I am not alone. According to this survey, 35% of British adults sleep with a stuffed toy and don't seem to mind who knows about it. Whatever the reason they need theirs, there is one thing in common - a sense of comfort. They may remind you of home, of childhood or of someone you love. All good reasons to hug away. Gary Best was a Christmas gift from my boyfriend so the connection to him is there in the hugs.

Many studies show that hugs help anxiety, they lower blood pressure and trigger the release of oxytocin. I am a big believer in the fact that hugs make me happy. Sometimes I just don't feel right until I have been hugged. Whilst I would alway choose the human hug (from my partner) at times when that is not possible, I will take the dino hug. 

So here's to all the stuffed animals, for their endless hugs that often go unthanked - go give your teddy a hug. I know you have one.

In the driving seat

So it's been 2 weeks since I started on my lowered dose of meds and it hasn't quite gone as I thought it might. Nothing has happened. Well, nothing bad. In fact, I feel great. I feel better than I have in forever. My mind is clearer and the usual fog and noise have dissipated, leaving some peace. I barely know what to do with it!

Today felt like an especially good breakthrough. I was woken up early by a small person (my sort of step son? For want of a better word, I'll call him the Small One) and I instantly felt good. I didn't feel the dread of having to get up, nor did I feel groggy from a bad night's sleep. Hello energy! Where have you been all my life?  The Small One and I got up, had some breakfast and watched cartoons. I got dressed and headed to the swimming pool, where I had a very refreshing non-stop swimathon before getting to work at 9am. NINE! Previously, I've been scraping into work at about 9.45am, having pressed snooze for an hour and a half. Today was different.

I listened to music. Actually listened. I didn't use it to drown out noise or try to mute my thoughts. I listened to it and enjoyed it and smiled. I may or may not have participated in some chair dancing. Don't judge me.

I worked. Actually engaged in and properly worked. I didn't find myself staring into space. My eyes felt open and my brain was quiet enough to concentrate. I didn't struggle, I didn't get frustrated and I didn't wish I was at home. I didn't feel inadequate.

I didn't have intrusive thoughts. I can't explain how good that felt. There was no one else sitting in my brain, commenting, complaining, causing trouble. I can't remember the last day where I wasn't plagued by these thoughts. Today it is like someone switched it off. Or it took a holiday. Either is good for me.

That's not to say I am not a little concerned about it. If it has taken a holiday - when will it be back? Was it an open ended around the world ticket or more of a long weekend in a caravan type of thing? When will it come a knocking again? Will it? I feel so calm and content and, dare I say it... positive.

I think it may be a combination of the change in meds, the fact that I am finally getting better after an 8 week chest infection, the change in the weather for the better and the exercise. I'm still not perfect. Obviously. I eat terribly and I barely have a minute to myself but I think I can honestly say I am happy.

I know this is a rollercoaster. I know it could corkscrew at any minute, but I also know that this time feels different. I feel different. This is a ride I am happy to be trapped on for a while, because for once, I feel like I'm in the driving seat.