Gym bunny

So I started to go to the gym.

I know.

I thought the same. The gym? As if. You'll never keep that up. You'll look like a big sweaty idiot amongst a load of glowing gym gods.

Turns out I quite like it. Turns out it helps. Turns out that there are no glowing gym gods in attendance. Turns out the treadmills have TVs on them.

There are many things I struggle with, committing to a hobby and doing physical activity are high up on the list. I have been swimming a lot but I have also been getting tattooed a lot. With each tattoo, I have to stay out of the pool for 2 weeks, so I needed an alternative. I talked to a friend at work and we came to the excited conclusion that we should try out the gym. It would cost no more as it was included in my membership, so what the heck!

The day came and we nervously got ourselves to the gym (well, after I navigated us there via a massage room and a door clearly marked 'No Entry') It was empty. Gloriously empty and quiet. We sweated away in peace and made full use of the TVs as well as loudly marveling at the rowing machine (it was full of water?!!) We exercised and it was..... good. We wanted to go again.

We have kept it up, we have been several times and we book in our next session right after. The thing is, the benefit I get from it isn't that I feel fitter, stronger or thinner. My mind is quiet when I'm there. I don't think obsessively. I don't ruminate or worry. I don't have countless hypothetical arguments in my head. I am just there. I am just me on a treadmill watching Neighbours. When I leave, I am tired but lighter. I feel positive and calm.

I can't say that I will keep it up, after all, I am lazy and the lure of other important activity may steal me away... sitting on couch, eating junk food, this fluff ball:

But I am hoping that I can keep it up and be a good gym bunny. It already helps having a friend to go with and keeping each other motivated. To have someone to roll your eyes at in the mirror or congratulate each other on another episode of Come Dine With Me watched (obviously, I mean whilst exercising to the max)

Of course I am hoping that I will lose some weight as a result, that would be awesome, but for now, the benefit to my brain is good enough. I now have 4 weeks left of weaning off the medication and it hasn't been easy. My anxiety has been very high and I have suffered from headaches. I have definitely noticed a decline in this and I have noticed a change starting in me. I feel a lot more confident in myself, I am happy and settled. I never imagined I'd say it, but it is, in part, thanks to a treadmill and a sad but undying love of an Australian soap. 

Panic

Panic.

Breaths get shorter, harder.

Air. 

There is no air.

Breathe. Try to breathe.

Is that noise me? I can’t get air. I don’t know what to do. 

Panic. I’m on the floor. I can’t move. Not yet.

I can only breathe in. Where is the air going? In. In. In. In.

I can hear you talking. I can hear your words. I just can’t answer.

In. In. In. In.

It must be over soon.

Gripping. Clutching. Holding. Slipping. 

Hot tears. Dripping nose.

In. In. In. Out.

The world comes slowly into focus.

In. Out. In. Out.

Clenched fists loosen.

Air.

Finally.

You are not useful to me

Hello anxiety my old friend. I see you have come to stay for a while, though no one invited you. How long do you plan to stay? It's just that I don't really have the room for you. All the room in my brain is full, taken up by all sorts of things that I'd rather keep than let you push out.

I just don't think we should see each other anymore, you have such a bad affect on me. You cause my other relationships to breakdown, you make me feel bad about myself. In fact, you do nothing good for me. Not in this quantity. You are not the primordial fight or flight reaction that could save my life, you are not useful to me.

You are just worry. Needless, painful, frightening worry. You are the closing of my throat, the rise of terror from the pit of my stomach and the shortening of my breath. You are the racing, unhelpful thoughts that I can't control, that spiral into something out of proportion. You are not useful to me.

You are the reason that my smiles don't look real and the reason I have to tell myself to enjoy a moment. You are not the real me. The confident and loving me. You are the frightened, unsure shadow of me. The insecure and needy me. You are not useful to me.

You are the reason that I need to be comforted but am terrified to reach out. The reason I struggle to make friends and why I think I'm not worthy of them. You are not useful to me.

Please, let's take a break. A long break. I'm happy if I never see you again. You have plagued me for long enough now. Let me be, I just want to be. I cannot say this enough anxiety; you are not useful to me.