Whistle While You Work... Or don't

I cannot abide the sound of someone whistling. I have a theory that the only people who whistle are people who can't whistle. It's a horrible noise and frankly should banned alongside noisy eating, loud breathing, tapping, nail biting, mouth noises of any kind... I could go on and on.

Now, I used to think that this was just me. That it was perfectly normal to be driven to absolute distraction by the noises other people make, to not be able to concentrate on anything but the noises other people make. It is very much not normal. It also has a name, and we all know, if it has a name, it's easier to deal with. The name of this particular beast is Misophonia.

To quote Wikipedia:

Misophonia, literally "hatred of sound", is a rarely diagnosed disorder, commonly thought to be of neurological origin, in which negative emotions (anger, flight, hatred, disgust) are triggered by specific sounds. The sounds can be loud or soft. The term was coined by American neuroscientists Pawel Jastreboff and Margaret Jastreboff and is sometimes referred to as selective sound sensitivity syndrome.

People tend not to take you seriously when you suffer from something like this. They either mock you for reacting or complaining or they go out of their way to make the noises you are triggered by, in order to wind you up or get a reaction from you. I guess in a way, it's understandable, people like to tease each other and I guess they really do think you are just overreacting. It's not a well known condition and as per anything else that is mental health related, people often fail to grasp what it is about and assume that it is something you can just "get over". Believe me, if I could, I would.

There have been many times when I have had to leave a room because of the sound of someone eating, had to move seats in the cinema because someone was chewing, had to move to a different train carriage because someone was tapping. It's not just that the noise is unpleasant, it is the effect it has on me. I feel completely uncomfortable, I can't focus on anything but the sound, it fills my head and makes me feel panicky and agitated. I have to get away from it or at the very least, block my ears. I can often be seen sitting in meetings with a finger in my ear to counter the sound that someone next to me is making.

Headphones are a blessing. I don't think I could get through a work day without them. An office is a hive of noises, both that people can control and those that they can't. Some days it can be an aural assault. For those days, only really big headphones will do. The cinema is a place I can't really enjoy much anymore. A combination of my anxiety and the absolute inability for cinema goers to STFU and not add their own soundtrack of whispering, crunching, feet tapping and texting has made watching films a way less enjoyable experience for me. My huge lack of concentration doesn't help either... I'd rather wait for it to come to Netflix.

Exposure does help though. The more I am made to face whatever sound I have an issue with, the better I get at tolerating it. But it is just that; I am better able to tolerate it. I don't "get over it" and I certainly don't learn to like it. This is a very difficult thing to explain to "normal" people and I sometimes think that I must sound like I am a hypochondriac but essentially, all of these issues go hand in hand. A heady mixture of depression, anxiety, OCD and noise aversion, I guess they all belong to the same family. Christmases around their house must be fun.

Unlike the other mental health issues that I have, Misophonia can't really be treated. CBT may help and as I mentioned before, exposure to noises can be slightly helpful. This is the one of the things that I experience where I do feel the most helpless. Last week, the fire alarm in my building was going off and would not turn off or reset, it appeared to be broken. The noise was deafening and really affected me. I didn't know what to do, so as my boyfriend did all the sensible actions of an adult, I held 2 cushions to my head and repeated the mantra "please make it stop, please make it stop."

As I type this, someone nearby has started to whistle. The low, tuneless, horrendous sound produced by someone who cannot whistle. Headphones straight in, disaster averted. In a world that never seems to be quiet, all I can do is hope that I become more tolerant. Or just turn up the volume. After all, loud music never hurt anyone...

A tree is for life, not just for Christmas

I bought a tree yesterday. This may seem trivial but it isn't - on several levels. I have a tree and plant based phobia and just the thought of some plants makes my skin itch and my throat feel like it's closing up. I'm itching just typing this. It's not all plants and trees, it's just the creepy disgusting ones, like sunflowers. I can't explain it. It's not my only phobia. I also list skin diseases & rashes, moths, being trapped in clothing and most forms of pasta.

Yes, you read that right.

Again, I can't explain the pasta thing. My ultimate pasta enemy is the large, shell shaped pasta. I would provide a picture but I don't want to do that to myself. It's heinous. Anyway, I digress, back to the tree. It is a small Norwegian Blue Spruce which I have naturally named Bruce and to me this signifies something quite awesome. It means I am ok. I bought a tree, I will take care of the tree and I will watch it grow to a big old tree. I will decorate it at Christmas and I will water it every day. If I can look after a tree, it means I'm looking after myself.

I guess I have let a lot of things slip over the last year or so. I used to be extremely tidy and to be honest, I'm glad that I've let that slip. It was a big part of my OCD that everything had to be in place, it was hard to maintain and made me very uptight. I was at the point where if something in the fridge wasn't in the right place I had to put it right, I couldn't let it be. Being able to let go of that has been a huge improvement, butter doesn't need a special and specific place. While I do like to have a tidy up and get rid of the mess, it by no way drives me anymore nor does it makes me anxious, so I guess it makes me much easier to live with.

Admittedly I don't treat myself as well as I should. I don't eat especially well, I do far less exercise than I used to and I don't make a huge effort with my appearance; but these are all things I can build up to and am trying with. Every now and again I will buy lots of vegetables and actually do eat them. But I am honest enough with myself to know that I will also end up just getting a pizza when I can't be bothered to even think about cooking. Making small, positive changes is the best way forward and means that there is less room to be disappointed with myself if I slip sometimes. But ultimately, I am taking care of myself, the most important part, the boss, my brain. I function. I am human.

Bruce (the tree) has joined the household at a good time. He will be looked after and when his time comes at Christmas, he'll be decorated in twinkling lights to signify the end of a year that has been difficult but worth every moment of hurt. That will be a great gift.

Is a rest as good as a change?

So I am nearing the end of my 3 days off work and although I haven't done everything on my to-do list, I have gotten through a lot of them and most importantly, I have had some time for my brain to rest. I was concerned that I may just spend the time moping and unable to get off the couch, but I did find myself doing things and not only that, I enjoyed them.

On my first day I did have a lie in and then sat on the couch, eating breakfast and watching Netfix. I then made myself get up, showered and dressed and took myself to the countryside for a bit of wandering. I ate lunch (including the to-do list essential - vegetables!) while reading my book then perused the charity shops. It rained and I didn't care. I ate a cake. I bought a barometer.

The second day I found it easier to get up and go. I went out on my bike. It rained and I didn't care. I ate a cake. I made myself lunch (veg included), listened to music and then in the afternoon I joined the library and went to sit in the park to read. I treated myself to some Netflix and drawing in the evening. I felt calm and ok.

This was yesterday's drawing - it depicts the inside of my brain:

My third day has been much quieter. I have been sanding and varnishing some woodwork projects that my boyfriend and I are working on. I made pancakes for the first time ever on my own. I set the fire alarm off and I didn't care. I ate the pancakes. I rode my bike around in my living room just because I could. I tidied up my flat and felt much better for it.

So tomorrow I go back to work and I'm not sure how I will feel. People will ask me if I am ok and I think I can honestly say yes. I am ok. A rest can do that for you. But am I just hiding away at home? Thankfully I am going to have a meeting to discuss options for me and where I can go from here. I need to find a way to become engaged again, to challenge my brain and not give it time to fade away and turn to mush. That isn't always easy so I just wonder what is to come.

At least I know now that I am able to give myself a bit of a break and that being kind to yourself is extremely beneficial. I guess some people forget to take time for themselves and to just do the things that they like to do and just do them for themselves. It's ok to be selfish, we need to be sometimes to protect ourselves.

The final item on my to do list was "Say something nice to a stranger who seems sad" and whilst I achieved this by talking to an old man at the bus stop and also to a cat who had a poorly eye, I will say this to whoever may read this:  Do something today or tomorrow that will make you smile. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself and remember:

Wading through soup

I have arranged some much needed time off work for a few days this week and have decided to use my time productively. I need to rest my brain and have a bit of downtime but I don't want to spend all day in pyjamas watching Netflix, as tempting as that sounds. So I wrote myself a list and I also asked a few friends to add things to it as suggested things that I could do. So far it is looking pretty good and almost fully achievable:

The first seven items were my own and the rest were added by other people. More Sweep tweets will be appearing here and I have already finished the penguin (blackboard):

I have been having a lot of concentration issues and have been finding it so hard to focus, especially on work, I asked if I could take some time just to rest and reset my brain and they were really good and accommodating of this. This made things so much easier for me. I didn't want to have too long off as I think that would be worse for me, I don't need to lose touch with what is going on, I just need to take a bit of time for myself. My brain feels like soup and every time I need to make a decision or plan, it is a fight to wade through it. 

At first, I wasn't sure if it was ok to make plans - after all, this is time off work; "sick days." Maybe I should be at home, in bed, eating soup. But I am tired of soup, soup is what I am trying to get away from. I decided that it wasn't the same as being sick, I am not contagious. I need to treat my mental health, my own sanity, be kind to myself and certainly not wallow in any way - which I would be hugely tempted to do if I just stayed at home. 

So I am going to take the next three days and do exactly that. I may have a bit of a lie in, but I will get up, get washed and dressed and go out and do something. Get some air even if it's raining, attempt to complete as many items on the list as possible and try to enjoy myself. It doesn't sound that much, but I think it is enough of a plan to really get my brain in motion. 

I am looking forward to the next few days (something I rarely say) and I just hope that my brain appreciates the effort I am making for it. I will provide it with rest, fun activities and good food, just as long as it stays off the soup in return. I think we'll be just fine.

How to be me

Several months ago, during a particularity distressing episode of panic and low mood, I saw my own face in the mirror and did not recognise myself. I started to freak out even more because I thought it wasn't my own face. This is hard to describe and sounds a bit crazy, I know. I just kept repeating "That isn't my face" over and over as I looked at the tear stained, snotty, contorted face reflected back at me. Maybe the point was, this wasn't me, or at least the "me" I wanted to be. It's hard to lose yourself in depression and allow it to swallow you up.  So how do you continue to be yourself in the face of it?

I lost myself almost completely at some points. I became a shell that existed and did the things necessary to keep the human alive; I ate, I worked, I went home, I attempted (and failed) to sleep. I attended gatherings and sat quietly on the outskirts, having nothing to contribute and no desire to participate. I recently looked at some photos of me around Christmas last year when I was at a very low point, I can see that I am quite simply "doing a happy face" there is no warmth in my smile, my eyes are glassy and I look worn out. I was tired of pretending.

The New Year brought me a new outlook. My meds were kicking in and I started to address issue in my life and I started to realise that I could be myself. More than that, I had found that people liked me when I was myself. Hiding away had been my brain's way of coping and protecting me, but I needed to find a better way. I couldn't let it win. I had oppressed the real me and it was time I let myself be, well, me.

In January I got my first tattoo. I had been wanting something for a while but had never been able to find something that I wanted. I eventually found the image that reached out to me and made sense. It is a simple design of birds flying across my arm. Each one of those birds represents a change and an improvement and release for me. They are there to remind me that I have come a long way and even though I have a way still to go, I am moving in the right direction.

I now have 6 tattoos (and counting) and have never felt more like myself. Most of my family (on my dad's side) are tattooed and my boyfriend is beautifully inked. We even have matching anchor tattoos on our elbows; as corny as it may sound, he is my anchor. He keeps me where I am, he keeps me safe.

I have found it easier to talk to people and to be more involved socially. Though I can't say I don't panic if I am left alone in a room full of people I don't know, I am now way better equipped for small talk and not making a huge idiot of myself in front of strangers when I panic and say something silly. Though to be honest, I think that's part of my "charm", rather than a symptom of social anxiety.  Here are some real examples of awkward first interactions I have had when meeting new people:

The first example was from my first day of group CBT, I ended up saying a lot more silly things to Paul. He eventually moved to another seat.

I have found that the more I become the real me, the more confident and happy I feel. When I have a low day I immediately retreat back into myself, don't want to socialise and tend to put my headphones on and keep my head down. But these days are getting fewer and far between.

The most important things in finding my way back to myself have most certainly been being able to talk about my problems, being kind to myself and finding someone who makes it easier to be me. I know that this isn't possible for everyone, but I just cannot deny that the unfaltering love of someone who likes who I am, when I am me, helps tremendously.

But I think that overall, I have to take credit for this one myself. I have worked really hard to get where I am today. I have been through counseling, two rounds of CBT and a whole load of ups and downs. I am writing this blog mainly for myself but I can't help but feel proud that so many people have told me that it has helped them in some way. For that, I am incredibly proud of myself. That is the me I want to be.

I just can't concentrate on anyt....

I wouldn't say that I originally had a great attention span, but recently my concentration is atrocious. I can't get through a film, struggle to read books and drift off during meetings and conversations. It's not that I'm not interested, it's just that my brain is so foggy that it's hard to take in extra info. It feels like I'm swimming through soup just to get my brain to function enough to even write this post. I am at my most comfortable, starring off into the distance and losing myself in a million thoughts. But unfortunately, as far as I know, that isn't a viable career option. So I suppose I need to learn how to focus again... oooh look, something shiny!

From what I have read on forums, Citalopram is one of the main culprits, as one of it's favourite side effects is to mess with your concentration. I have read many posts from people stating exactly that. I do feel that this is the only persistent side affect of the medication that I have, but as others have said - it is something that you can live with much easier than the the feelings that lead to your prescription in the first place.

Poor concentration is also a typical symptom of depression and it has been suggested that those who are depressed cannot take in information as quickly or efficiently as those "normal" people out there. The ability to make decisions is hindered, it is much harder to get enjoyment from reading and memory problems often ensue. Coupled with the fatigue and general malaise, this pretty much sucks. No other way to put it!

Though I haven't found a cure to my concentration problems, I have found several ways of dealing with it. Firstly though, I just had to accept that I was no longer the same and that my brain wasn't going to work the way it used to, at least not for now. This was very important because I was really getting down on myself about this. Within my CBT, I was able to talk through this and realise that there was nothing I could do and it wasn't my fault. This was an important step for me.

I knew that it was completely possible and entirely reasonable that my lack of concentration would become evident at work. I spoke to my colleagues about this and was completely honest about what was going on. I had some strategies in place to help me get by and I urged them to let me know if I was really slipping. No one has said anything, so I'm either doing ok or no one dares tell me! I started to take more regular beaks from my screen, get air whenever I felt overwhelmed and I always ask for help when I need it.

I have pretty much given up on films, I used to love going to the cinema but now I feel anxious thinking about going and I know that I will struggle to get through an entire film without fidgeting, clock watching and phone checking. More than that, I will drift off into my own thought and miss something vital or close my eyes at the exact wrong moment. To be honest, it's not much of a loss. 

I used to watch a lot more TV. I would say it used to be my best friend, but again, I struggle to concentrate or commit to a series now. That's not to say I don't go on an OITNB binge every now and again... I'm not a monster. But TV and books have been sidelined somewhat as I just don't find them as enjoyable as I used to.

Recently, I have found that I am able to focus on more creative things. As I have said, I colour a lot as it is an easy distraction but doesn't involve a lot of thinking or a decision harder than which coloured pen to choose. I have started on a new project recently with my boyfriend, to restore an old ship's wheel. It is involved and fun and hands on and a really good way of focusing. I can see it's progress easily and it gives me a sense of achievement and pride when I see our hard work paying off.

This sort of activity is the best thing I have found so far. It is a distraction from my thoughts, a great thing to focus on, a way to spend time together and a way to prove to myself that I can do new things and I can be good at them. All of these things have a positive effect on my mood and I have really noticed a change in myself and I think it will start to show.

I am already planning my next project and plan to embrace my rediscovered focus and drive for as long as it lasts. Or at least until the next shiny thing comes along...