Travel anxiety - My train of thought

This weekend my anxiety returned in full force. I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff, struggling with all my might not to slip, to stay on my feet and not let it overwhelm me. I had gotten used to my anxiety coming in small bursts, so a weekend without respite was almost unbearable. Time slowed down, it became an effort to have fun when I should have been having plenty and my mind raced constantly. This step back was a blow to me, I was disappointed with myself and worried that things were going in the wrong direction. So what happened? And more importantly, what did I do about it?

It all started with a misunderstanding.

A simple mix up of words, a wrong tone here and there, someone gets mad, someone else get mad at them for being mad. You know the story. Any kind of fall out makes me hugely anxious. I panic and ramble, I try to make things better and ultimately make them worse. Even when things are better I can remain highly on edge, terrified of saying or doing "the wrong thing". I find it hard to sleep. Add into the mix that I was travelling alone for a weekend away from home and you have the perfect recipe for one anxious lady.

Travelling. I love travelling. I have been round the world, far and wide and seen more of the world than most people. So why the hell does the thought of getting on a two hour train journey alone worry me so much? For me, the train is a stressful place, where people push and shove, sit in your reserved seat and talk unreasonably loudly on their phones. There is plenty that can go wrong with a train journey and it usually does.

So my time came on Friday when I had to leave to get the train and, as usual, I arrived at the train station way too early. 45 minutes is way too long to sit and stress, believe me. The train was of course, delayed. Due to the delay, they hadn't put out the reserved seat signs - cue chaos, pushing, shoving, snapping and shouting. After a hellish few minutes, I was in my seat and I only had to tell one woman she was being extremely rude (she admitted to this and apologised) and back up another lady who took to telling me how rude someone else was being. It was all going on.

As I mentioned in my last anxiety post, I find distraction is a good technique for my anxiety. Knowing this, I had purchased myself a Marvel Avengers activity book. Yes, I am 32 years old, no I do not care what anyone thinks.  Here are some of my awesome drawings:

This proved to be a great help, it was distracting and fun. Once I was settled into my seat and in full on Avengers mode, I no longer felt so anxious. I reached my destination in one piece and all was well.

But it's not just the travel that bothers me. Being away from home makes me anxious. I had been unable to speak to my boyfriend and that made me anxious. I was distracted and distant and constantly felt on edge. I wasn't having the fun I should have been having. This made me feel bad. At times I found myself clock watching, counting down the hours until I could go home. This wasn't what I wanted, but I couldn't help myself. I just thought that as soon as I walked in my front door, I would suddenly feel better.

I got a better night's sleep on the second night and I found myself feeling a lot better. My friend's little girl; a beautiful bundle of innocence, optimism and giggles, was a great help and distraction. Her hugs went a long way, as did her unconditional and uncomplicated love. Taking walks in the park, chatting with my friend, eating well and great deal of lounging were also a great help. I started to feel more present and human. I had taken a step back from the cliff edge.

My journey home was less fraught. But walking through my front door didn't cure me. Thankfully. I wouldn't want it to, I don't want to end up stuck here, unable to see the world. Though I will always love coming home, I love going places more, seeing people and proving to myself that I can get past this and even if I don't, I can work my way though it. One cartoon at a time.