So I am thinking about coming off my meds. It has been about 16 months now and I honestly can't tell you if they make a difference to me. That scares me. How can I not know? If I took tablets to get rid of a rash, I would be able to clearly see if they were working. Shouldn't I be able to tell?
I know for certain that I am happier than I used to be, but then that could just be a change in circumstances. I know for certain that I still get very sad, anxious and low - but won't I always get that? I have this conversation with myself a lot. What is going to happen to me when I stop taking them? I can only assume that it can't be worse than the day I started taking them. It might equal it, but I got through that. So maybe it's time to try.
My doctor told me not to even consider coming off meds until Spring, as the dark nights of Winter were no time to lure in the black dog. Now, as Spring approaches, I am wondering if it really is the right time. I am scared of losing the safety net. Maybe my meds are keeping me at a certain level, not exactly better, but able to bounce back so much easier. What if I come crashing down without them? But does it matter? So what if I fall? I could just get back on the proverbial horse. Wouldn't I be better knowing?
It's so much easier said than done. I have never stopped antidepressants before. These were my first foray into meds. I have no clue. I hate change. I find it hard to make decisions. No one can tell me what to do and my experience will be completely my own. I'm on my own here, kid.
At the minute, I can always think of an excuse not to stop them: I have a holiday coming up, It's busy at work, I haven't been feeling well... There is always something. But I have to be honest with myself. I am the only one who can make this decision and I have to take action.
Making this choice is really difficult, but I think it is really the only way I can see what difference, if any, they are making. Though I might do some short term damage, the long term can only be benefitted by my little self experiment. I'm just hoping it doesn't go too wrong. Wish me luck, I may just need it.
Tuesday, 22 March 2016
Friday, 11 March 2016
Seek treasures amid ruins
Sometimes I forget that it is an absolutely normal reaction to some situations to feel sad. I spend so much of my time battling against it and feeling bad for feeling sad that when a moment of genuine and very explainable sadness arrives, I sometimes find it hard to allow it to happen.
Last month I lost 2 grandparents. I was in the middle of recovering from a bit of a breakdown and not in the best place but I was moving in the right direction. That made it even harder to let the sadness happen, let it consume me and do what it needed to do. I fought it and went with the brave face approach. My mask crumbled on several occasions and the show only lasted so long.
I struggled to stay afloat at work and found myself in tears at my desk on more than one occasion. I had to go take breaks, remember to breathe, my thoughts over ran, my head spun and my heart hurt. I attended my Grandad's funeral at a point when I was much more able to compose myself. I read out a reading of a piece I had written myself and I remained calm throughout. It was a sad day and it was ok to be sad. We were all sad.
While I was home for the funeral, I also visited my Nana in hospital, she had suffered a stroke and was unresponsive. It was a matter of time. My Nana's death brought a new wave of sadness and I am not sure that my brain was happy to allow it. I think it blocked it out as best as it could, once again throwing on that brave face mask like a second skin. I went about my days, not quite feeling right but not allowing myself to feel what I should.
A couple of days ago I suddenly realised. My stomach turned inside out and I snapped awake. It hit me and I felt sad. I talked to my boyfriend about this and I talked about both of my grandparents. I allowed myself to think about them and tell stories about them and acknowledge that I am sad and it is ok. Since then I have felt better.
Losing someone, in any capacity, is a painful and sad. Each person will feel it in their own, unique way and each person will take their own path of dealing with it. For me, being able to acknowledge that they were justified, expected feelings, made it all the easier for me to deal with. I could let go of one aspect that was hurting me more than anything else - beating myself up for my feelings.
Though my Nana's funeral is next week and will undoubtably stir up more feelings of sadness, I know that it is ok and things will feel better soon. I look forward to hearing all of the stories people have about her, as I heard such stories at my Grandad's funeral. Hearing about the times when she was alive and beautiful and causing mischief will be just what I need.
One thing I know for certain is that neither of them would want me to feel sad, they would want me to laugh, to joke and to say something completely silly just because. That is what I will take with me and know that little by little, the sadness inside will turn into memories, smiles and stories.
Last month I lost 2 grandparents. I was in the middle of recovering from a bit of a breakdown and not in the best place but I was moving in the right direction. That made it even harder to let the sadness happen, let it consume me and do what it needed to do. I fought it and went with the brave face approach. My mask crumbled on several occasions and the show only lasted so long.
I struggled to stay afloat at work and found myself in tears at my desk on more than one occasion. I had to go take breaks, remember to breathe, my thoughts over ran, my head spun and my heart hurt. I attended my Grandad's funeral at a point when I was much more able to compose myself. I read out a reading of a piece I had written myself and I remained calm throughout. It was a sad day and it was ok to be sad. We were all sad.
While I was home for the funeral, I also visited my Nana in hospital, she had suffered a stroke and was unresponsive. It was a matter of time. My Nana's death brought a new wave of sadness and I am not sure that my brain was happy to allow it. I think it blocked it out as best as it could, once again throwing on that brave face mask like a second skin. I went about my days, not quite feeling right but not allowing myself to feel what I should.
A couple of days ago I suddenly realised. My stomach turned inside out and I snapped awake. It hit me and I felt sad. I talked to my boyfriend about this and I talked about both of my grandparents. I allowed myself to think about them and tell stories about them and acknowledge that I am sad and it is ok. Since then I have felt better.
Losing someone, in any capacity, is a painful and sad. Each person will feel it in their own, unique way and each person will take their own path of dealing with it. For me, being able to acknowledge that they were justified, expected feelings, made it all the easier for me to deal with. I could let go of one aspect that was hurting me more than anything else - beating myself up for my feelings.
Though my Nana's funeral is next week and will undoubtably stir up more feelings of sadness, I know that it is ok and things will feel better soon. I look forward to hearing all of the stories people have about her, as I heard such stories at my Grandad's funeral. Hearing about the times when she was alive and beautiful and causing mischief will be just what I need.
One thing I know for certain is that neither of them would want me to feel sad, they would want me to laugh, to joke and to say something completely silly just because. That is what I will take with me and know that little by little, the sadness inside will turn into memories, smiles and stories.
“Within tears, find hidden laughterSeek treasures amid ruins, sincere one. ” Rumi
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