What's the matter?

If only it was as simple as knowing the answer to that. It's not that I haven't asked myself that a million times over.  Some days you can at least know what pushes you over the edge - the proverbial straw, or more suitably known as triggers. But no two days are the same and what may make you laugh one day could see you in tears the next. So I can't help but ask myself: What the hell is the matter?

A few months ago I was at work and a colleague made a very small and well intentioned joke about me. I crumbled. I had to leave the room, the building, the immediate area. Any other day I would have made a joke twice as bad back at them, but that day, my brain just couldn't handle it. But breaking it down sensibly, it wasn't the joke itself, it wasn't even the attention directed at me. It was just the very point that I should have been able to laugh, tears came instead.

I cried three times at work that day.  I have pretty much cried in front of all of my friends during the last year as well as several colleagues and many, many strangers. I am pretty much no longer ashamed of it, what's the point? I might as well accept that it is going to happen. But I am very much aware that it must be grating on certain people. "Woah there she goes again... here come the tears!" I'm tired of crying, but sometimes I just can't stop it. But no one wants to be the crying girl at work... Again.

But people don't cry for no reason... do they? Sometimes I bottle up my feelings, put on a brave face and announce how "ok" I am to anyone who asks. This isn't good for anyone and all it means is that you hide away that feeling to deal with later. As soon as you find an opportunity to let out any emotion, out it all comes. So my crying at the joke was most likely to have been crying about something I had buried a few day earlier, that I thought I could ignore. Maybe I was just crying because I felt crushingly sad and sensitive. I guess the problem is, I don't know. If I did know, maybe I could stop it.

Trying to explain how you feel or why you feel that way is impossible. It sends you round in circles and quite frankly makes you feel worse. But people expect an explanation. It's reasonable enough. They just want to know what made you feel the way you do, they assume that it has a reason and starting point. An absolutely awesome summary of this can be found in Hyperbole and a Half's  'Depression Part 2' it's way better than I could explain it.

As I explained in my post about anxiety, I am quite aware of many of the triggers I have for that, but my depression isn't as obvious or easy to solve. I do know some things that can make me feel worse; being ignored, being let down, being left out. However, these are just things that no one would find pleasant. The difference is the way that I deal with those issues. A depressed mind latches onto them, spirals them out of control and creates a situation way bigger than it ever should be. It's harder to recover from and the sadness lingers with you for days.

In CBT we learn about how to challenge negative thinking. How to change thoughts before they get to such a stage. It's great in theory but not always so easy in practice. It has been one of my biggest challenges so far. Trying to stop a thought before it becomes too big for you and snowballs. The best way for me is to talk things through, to be honest at all times and try to bring up any issue I have at the time. Leaving things til a later date doesn't work for me, I obsess and stress and work myself up. This in turn makes me anxious... the vicious circle of anxiety strikes again.

I guess what I just have to accept is that I don't know what the hell is wrong and I probably never will. I have to accept that this will frustrate myself and others and I will just have to deal with that as it comes. My chemical imbalance makes me who I am, and if that is a pain in the arse sometimes, then I guess that's who I am. I will continue to challenge my thoughts, to try to reason my way through my triggers and not let them over take me. But more than anything, I will just continue to be me, pain in the arse or not.