What's anxiety got to do with it?

I have mostly talked about depression so far, and although it may be the biggest of my issues, the Black Dog isn't exactly alone; it's just the leader of the pack. I have been plagued by anxiety in many forms for as long as I can remember. It was something I had just accepted and always thought was just who I was. How wrong I was.

Anxiety is just as difficult to live with as depression for both the sufferer and those around them. It is difficult to quantify or explain. It happens for no reason and for every reason. It wakes you in the night, follows you around at all times and steals your day from you.

Where depression makes me unbearably sad, tearful and lonely; anxiety makes me edgy, twitchy and short of breath. Just like depression, it can rear up at any time and it doesn't discriminate. There is no absolute trigger for it but I do know some things that affect me more. My personal demons are: travelling alone, being left alone, too much noise, waiting for things. To be honest, I'm really good at creating situations in my own head which feed on my anxieties and create a vicious anxiety based circle. Which I imagine looks like this:

My anxiety presents itself as fidgeting, frequent weeing, awkward dancing, talking incessantly, teeth clenching, pains in my arms and in the worst cases, panic attacks. I asked my boyfriend how he knows when I am feeling anxious and he said that I look lost, like I'm not in the room. I used to think I was good at hiding things - maybe I'm not. 

Sometimes the strangest things can bring on my anxiety, for instance, listening to music that I don't know can sometimes make me feel so on edge I have to turn it off. Thinking about my anxiety just to write this is making me feel terribly anxious. It has no rhyme or reason. What I can say is that since I started on the Citalopram, my anxiety has greatly decreased. For that I am grateful.

I have also had acupuncture. I know a lot of people think it doesn't work, but for me it does. Anxiety makes you tense. My back is a broken, knotted testament to my mental health. Years of teeth clenching has left my jaw aching daily. The acupuncture helps with this and my sleep issues as well as trying to get exercise whenever I can (I won't lie, this is not as often as I should... or even could.) Staying active does help. But for me, the best thing is distraction.

I can't say how many times I have been grateful for someone just talking at me. Distracting me with their words, letting me focus on them for a while, hearing their problems rather than my own. Being allowed into someone else's thoughts can be incredibly helpful every now and again. Just engaging my brain can be great - writing this is testament to that. I don't care if no one ever reads it (well, ok I do a little bit) but mostly I just love the distraction of typing this, rather than sitting on my own, letting my thoughts take over.

I have a colouring book. I hear that they are quite en vogue. Well, I'm no trend setter, I just really like to colour in. Again, it takes me away from my swirling thoughts and stops me from making a mountain out of a molehill (on the simplest of days) or from potentially harming myself (on the most complicated of days) It is full of beautiful, complex pictures that require real concentration. It is one of my favourite things to do and actually brings me a fair amount of happiness.

My most recent technique, when I feel like I may be slipping, is to go for a walk rather than going to bed. I have tried this only once and it was, in part, successful. But practice makes perfect, fresh air will always be better than moping under the duvet (ok I'm still trying to convince myself of this, so forgive me if that doesn't convince you either.)

But, you know what, I think the best distraction and thing that helps me most is a good old fashioned hug. Having someone's arms around you and feeling like everything is going to be ok has to be one of the best ways of coping with this. I am lucky to have someone who knows me and knows when I need a hug (and always obliges when I ask for one) as well as family and friends who are always there to give me a real or virtual hug whenever I need it.

I feel so much more able to reach out when I am crippled with anxiety, where I feel like I can't when I am crushed with depression. I don't want to say that it is the kinder of the two illnesses as they are both horrendous, but I do know it is the easier of the two for me personally. I still have to fight it and I still have bad days. But I know that I can control it somewhat. I just hope I can stay within the lines.