Insecurity is my middle name.

Insecurity is my middle name. OK, so it obviously isn't really my middle name, otherwise my initials would spell PIS and I would be extremely insecure over that. Anyway, I digress. Insecurity and anxiety go hand in hand and feed each other. Low mood can result in negative thinking which can result in insecurity which can result in anxiety which can result in low mood which... you get the idea.

Insecurity comes in many forms, personally, mine manifests itself in an unfaltering belief that I can't do things well. It used to stop me from trying new things, I just thought "Well, I'll fail at that, so why bother?" In recent times I have tried to work on this thought and turn it around. I have to admit, pretty much every time I have challenged this thought and tried something new, I have surprised myself. I am a perfectly capable human being. Yes, this surprises me.

I really have found myself having a lot more fun by being happier to try things. Even silly things like flying a kite. Year ago Pamela would have just sat and watched as someone else flew the kite. Today Pamela flies the kite like a boss and gets compliments from strangers while doing so. This gives me confidence. In your face, insecurity! But not all insecurities are so easy to challenge.

I am also extremely insecure when it comes to relationships, in all forms. This is described so well in the cartoon below by Sarah Andersen:

My insecurity tells me that no one could possibly like me enough to want to spend time with me, romantically or otherwise. I am surprised if someone asks me to do something, I am bemused that people want to be my friend and I am overwhelmed that someone loves me as much as they do.

Just like depression and anxiety, living with someone who is insecure is not much fun. Constant reassurance and affirmation is testing. Not that it is actually constant, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. There are just times when I get worried, maybe a little jealous or even needy. To some extent, this is just a normal part of any relationship. Again, as with all of these issues, it is just how they are dealt with that matters. Some days I am able to reason with myself that they are silly thoughts, other days I am consumed by them and cannot help but listen and believe that I am not enough. No amount of reassurance will change my mind.

I have no reason to be so insecure within my relationship, but logic doesn't feature too highly in my thought process when I am down. It is simply another layer added to my issues which nestles nicely amongst the others. Again, I don't think I am particularly unique in feeling this way. I know that you don't need to suffer with depression or anxiety to feel insecure, but I also know that it is an extra burden to carry if you do.

Unlike my depression and anxiety, I don't expect my insecurities to go away. I know that they will be fed less when the Black Dog goes to bed, but these are things that I just have to work on myself. No amount of meds, exercise or sleep will make a difference. Maybe I will always feel that way, but for now I will continue to try new things and to challenge my thoughts and always remember that I am so loved. Always.