Breaking down is hard to do

The first blog post I wrote, back in May, was prompted by the fact that I had pretty much had a mini breakdown and had no idea what to do. Whilst things have been changeable over the last 8 months, I feel that they have mostly been up, but I have had my fair share of down. So when Christmas came around, I tried to prepare myself for the feelings and issues that the season can bring up. I had no idea.

To put it bluntly, over New Year I had a breakdown. A meltdown. I dissolved. I couldn't function. I was not well. I am coming out of the other side of it now and I finally feel well enough to start to be normal again, to clean my house, eat something and focus my brain - hence this post.

It has been an exhausting week, physically and mentally. At many points, I didn't think that I would make it through. I experienced severe and crippling anxiety, suicidal thoughts, restlessness, exhaustion, total loss of appetite, the inability to sleep, the desire to never wake up again and feelings of such hopelessness that I barely knew who I was. This has taken it's toll on me. 

It all came to a head in a CBT session yesterday. I have found my latest round of CBT to be pretty useless. Some of the sessions have been, in my opinion, terrible. During one session I was told to "Just stop doing it" in response to some compulsions that I have. Not the best. 

This week, I just couldn't pretend any more when I was asked the killer question "How are you?" I was done with holding it in. I had reached my limit of "being ok." Gah, I can't even take my own advice. I had just been "being ok" and holding in as much as I could around others. It had to stop.

After a very therapeutic descent into tears and hysteria, I was given some coping strategies and kindness. I mopped myself up off of the chair and I left there thinking that things could get better. I am starting to believe this more and more and today I have been putting things into action. I am trying to improve my routine, taking time to let myself have nice things and appreciating quiet time on my own. My brain is recovering and needs all the help it can get.

So although my start to the year was less than good, I am hoping that this will be a good year for me. I am not going to waste time with New Year's resolutions, I am simply going to try to be good to myself without any expectations or pressure. I am not there yet. I still feel like it could all come crashing round my feet at any minute. I am not silly, I know that I am not better. I know that maybe I will never be free of this, that it will follow me round, lurking the shadow, ready to rear it's ugly head at any occasion. The best I can do is know that I can get through these moments, I can see that there is always an end to them. A dim but real light waiting for me at the end of a long and terrifying tunnel. 

New Year's day might have been one of my worst days yet, but it was just another day. It is no more significant than tomorrow or the next day and they hold all the potential in the world to be good days.