Own goal

Every now and again, my brain checks in on me to ask a certain question: "Would killing yourself help?" It doesn't matter what the situation is, this question pops up like an uninvited guest. It doesn't just happen at moments of low mood and it doesn't even mean that I am feeling unhappy, it is just something that appears. Like having an annoying, repetetive song stuck in your head.

I don't know how common this is. It's not the sort of thing people tend to discuss.

"So, what have you been up to?"
"Oh, you know, wondering every now and then if I should kill myself"

But for me, I don't find this so strange. It's just something that I think from time to time. It's like being asked by a Chugger  if you want to give £5 a month to help homeless bees. Mildly annoying and your answer is almost always no.

Obviously, there are days when I am at such a low point that I think these things for myself. I don't need my brain to ask me if it would be a solution. I think to myself how it could be an answer.  I always conclude that it isn't.  It is becoming a less desirable thought to me. I used to stand just a little too close to the side of the train track or road. I used to entertain the thought so much more.

I have had many a discussion about suicide, about all facets and from many points of views. I can honestly say that I know that it is not an option for me. I understand why it feels like the only option for so many and I understand why some people think it is a selfish and unforgivable act. I see it from both sides and choose not to take either.

In a recent round of CBT, each week I was asked the usual questions about my personal safety. The wording of a certain question really bothered me. When discussing suicidal thoughts, I was asked if I had made "any plans to reach that goal?"

Goal.

I wondered if I was just being sensitive. I asked several people. I wasn't. Whilst I appreciate straightforwardness and honesty, I thought that this term was just insensitive and misjudged. I think it could easily have been taken horribly out of context by someone who was in a much worse place. Maybe I am wrong, it just didn't seem appropriate and still doesn't.

Whilst I have come to a decision that I do not want to and will not end my own life, there are so many people out there who have to deal with the struggle every day. I only hope that they can one day see their goal as getting help, getting better where possible and finding a way to get past those feelings.

That is a goal worth striving for.