No more, no less

Having finally come out of the other side of a terrible few weeks, I am starting to feel more...

Hold on...

I was going to say "normal." Nope, normal doesn't quite cut it.

"Like my old self" ...not really

I guess rather than being "more" something, I am just less broken.

I'll take that.

As I said in my last post, I won't be making New Year's resolutions, but I am trying to get myself into some good habits. I have started swimming again and brushed off the dust on my bike and ridden it several times (3 is several, right?) I am even trying to eat less junk. This one is hardest of all and I cannot promise that I will succeed. I have only just started with all of this so it is way too early to say if it is making any difference, but the very fact that I have even felt able to start these things tells me that I am going in the right direction.

One thing that has kept me on track, no matter how low I am, is my bunny. She is totally dependent on me and I think this is such a big thing for me. It doesn't matter how I am feeling, I have to look after her. She lets me hug her when I cry and seems to snuggle into me a little bit harder whenever I do. Maybe she is just scared of the noise, but I'm choosing to believe that she cares for her mama. Here is the fluff ball, she never fails to make me smile:

I was really shaken up by how intense the feelings I had over the last few weeks were and how it felt as real and as mind bendingly unreal as it could, all at once. At some points I wondered if I should go to hospital. Yet now, in the absence of those feelings, I wonder if I was just overreacting. Was I really feeling everything all at once? Were my head and heart really in such physical pain? The absence of a feeling can sometimes be just as startling as the feeling itself. Like when a noise ceases, you suddenly realise just how loud it was.

I guess it is just another way of being self critical. Denying (or at least, trying to) how bad a situation was. Maybe it is my brain's way of forgetting it, to brush it off and say "What? Those feelings didn't beat me! I am your brain! I am in charge here!" Either way, I am grateful that the moment has passed. No matter how many times you tell yourself that this is transient, you cannot help but feel at the time that it is most definitely permanent.

I decided a few days ago to start again and have my own New Year's Eve. My boyfriend and I had an evening out together and it felt like the beginning of a better time for me. I am discounting the last few weeks and grabbing onto my increasingly positive feelings. Things are already starting to look up and I have many reasons to be present and to keep a safe distance from the proverbial edge.

I feel less likely to slip, but I am no fool.

I just have to go with it and try my best. No more, no less.