So I read a blog post recently that really resonated with me. It was about having few close friends. About not having someone who will just message you asking "wanna come over?" About having friends, acquaintances, but no one who is just there to hang out with and do nothing in particular. About how it is difficult and bewildering to think about trying to rectify this in your 30's.
This hasn't always been the case for me. But currently, it is a painful truth. There have been circumstances that have lead me to lose touch with people. To be in much less frequent contact. But it can't be denied that they too, have let contact fall by the wayside. Getting older, life getting in the way, busy schedules, personal issues, simply losing interest.
I have had intense friendships that lasted for a short while, before I was pushed out, excluded and hurt when they decided that they were better off without me. I have had friendships that lasted for years and felt permanent, only for me to never hear from that person ever again once distance became a factor. People are fickle. People confuse me.
But I also have friendships that endure, make me feel loved and special and like I have a place. The fact that there is a distance between us means little. But, unfortunately, that distance does hamper things. If only I could click my heels and be where I wanted to be. I'd be on a couch, drinking tea with them every day. They know who they are.
Recently, I've tried quite hard to initiate contact, to ask people if they want to do something. Tried to fill my time with people, friendly faces and shared experiences. Not all of my efforts have paid off. I still find myself feeling lonely and, often, guilty for asking for people's time. But something is missing. I think it's that special ingredient in friendship... doing nothing.
Every time I see someone, we do something. I want to do nothing. Stupid as it sounds. I want that someone who wants to do nothing with me. Just sit. Just be. That's what I want. *
So, how do I go about meeting these people? These people who don't want to do things, especially. Are they out and about looking for me? Are they sitting at home doing nothing? Are they currently out with an acquaintance, doing things for the sake of it?
I mean, I'm not saying that I want to become a hermit, I don't. But I just want to find someone who is just happy to be and wants to hang out with me, just because I'm me. I want someone who will ask me to do something, rather than me feeling like I'm bothering people all the time. I don't actually remember the last time someone asked me to do something. That makes me feel sad.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just not great friend material. Maybe I'm not fun and exciting enough. Maybe staying at home and eating pick n mix is old hat. I don't know. It could be because I haven't lived in one place for long enough. I seem to move every couple of years. I don't settle, I don't know anyone living around me. Maybe it's my anxiety. It could put people off and doesn't help me come across well. Maybe it's all of those things.
I will continue to reach out to people, despite the fact that I feel uncomfortable. I will continue to hope that they will reciprocate. I will continue to think the best of people. I have to.
As I slowly but surely recover from and maintain my mental health issues, I hope that I can do the same with friendships. Maintain them, watch them grow and ultimately, hope that they can become something special. And hope that we can reach the best form of friendship goals... Doing nothing.
Sweet nothing.
*I must say that I do have a best friend who would happily do nothing with me as often as possible, but we are separated by over 100 miles - I would just really like more people like this in my life - daily.
This is the blog that inspired me: https://anxiwarrior.wordpress.com/2016/10/08/billy-no-mates/
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