Not just "a bit OCD"

"You could just slit your wrists."

"What's that?"
"Your wrists... you have that nice sharp knife in the kitchen."
"Oh, well, yes... I do, but..."
"Knife"
"I don't think I should..."
"Kitchen"
"I..."
"Wrists"
"Yeah, I'm ok thanks"

I had that conversation today.

"Wow, who would tell you to do that?" you ask.

It was me.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal right now. Yes, I know that that's confusing. Why would I think about slitting my wrists like that? The truth is, I can't control it. These thoughts pop up into my head indiscriminately and I can't stop them. They are not just about killing myself, but they are always unpleasant.

"Why don't you drown the bunny?"
"Step in front of that bus"
"Go and punch that woman in the face"
"They're laughing at you"
"He thinks you're an idiot"
"You bother people, no one wants to talk to you"
"Open the car door and throw yourself out"

The last one became a real problem for me, enough that I had to sit on my hands when I travelled regularly in a car.

This is OCD. A lot of people think that OCD is just wanting your house to look tidy etc and this isn't helped by a common notion for people to call themselves "a bit OCD". They're not "a bit OCD" they just have regular human traits and an enviable desire to clean their homes.

This is OCD. One version of it.

Mind describe obsessions as:

...unwelcome thoughts, images, urges, worries or doubts that repeatedly appear in your mind. They can make you feel very anxious.
You might find that sometimes your obsessions and compulsions are manageable and other times they are impossible to live with. They may be more severe when you are stressed about other things like work, university or relationships.

So far, I've been pretty good at arguing against these thoughts.

"Actually, my friend Henry gave me that sharp knife and he'd be mad as hell with me if I used it slit my wrists. So shut up." I know this for a fact, because he has told me this many times when I've told him about this specific, reoccurring thought. I picture his disappointment with me, it's enough.

I do feel like a bit of a prisoner to some of these thoughts. It is the bigger, more severe thoughts that I can reason with the easiest. The smaller, less vicious thoughts are actually the worst.

"No one likes you"
"Nothing you have to say is important"
"They're not replying to you because they hate you"

These day to day thoughts grind me down and just become commonplace thinking. Almost the norm. They follow me around and drag my confidence down. They are the voices that win. They don't have to shout the loudest to be heard.

But I am starting to argue with them. Not every time and I don't always win. But conversations are beginning. Questioning, challenging, disagreeing. I am also starting to realise that some of these feelings have not just been inside my head, I have had some negative experiences that often made me feel less than I really should have. I haven't always been treated as the person I should have been. I'm trying to turn that around.

I know and recognise that my thoughts are particularly bad at the moment as I have had quite a stressful time in the last month. I am proud of myself that I have gotten through the bad times without anything bad happening to me. That I have been able to push through the thoughts, which has been very difficult, as I have been suicidal at times.

I have found myself making the thoughts into real questions and asking other people:

"Am I bothering you when I message you?"
"No"
"Oh!" (In your face, thoughts!)

Whilst this doesn't mean that I immediately believe it, it's positive reinforcement for me and a validation that some things are just my mean thoughts. Hopefully, one day I will start to believe it. Challenging the thoughts is infinitely better than listening to them.

The thoughts are still here, but I'm doing my best to drown them out. Definitely them, not the bunny.

*When having suicidal thoughts, I contacted Papyrus  - stay safe.