In the driving seat

So it's been 2 weeks since I started on my lowered dose of meds and it hasn't quite gone as I thought it might. Nothing has happened. Well, nothing bad. In fact, I feel great. I feel better than I have in forever. My mind is clearer and the usual fog and noise have dissipated, leaving some peace. I barely know what to do with it!

Today felt like an especially good breakthrough. I was woken up early by a small person (my sort of step son? For want of a better word, I'll call him the Small One) and I instantly felt good. I didn't feel the dread of having to get up, nor did I feel groggy from a bad night's sleep. Hello energy! Where have you been all my life?  The Small One and I got up, had some breakfast and watched cartoons. I got dressed and headed to the swimming pool, where I had a very refreshing non-stop swimathon before getting to work at 9am. NINE! Previously, I've been scraping into work at about 9.45am, having pressed snooze for an hour and a half. Today was different.

I listened to music. Actually listened. I didn't use it to drown out noise or try to mute my thoughts. I listened to it and enjoyed it and smiled. I may or may not have participated in some chair dancing. Don't judge me.

I worked. Actually engaged in and properly worked. I didn't find myself staring into space. My eyes felt open and my brain was quiet enough to concentrate. I didn't struggle, I didn't get frustrated and I didn't wish I was at home. I didn't feel inadequate.

I didn't have intrusive thoughts. I can't explain how good that felt. There was no one else sitting in my brain, commenting, complaining, causing trouble. I can't remember the last day where I wasn't plagued by these thoughts. Today it is like someone switched it off. Or it took a holiday. Either is good for me.

That's not to say I am not a little concerned about it. If it has taken a holiday - when will it be back? Was it an open ended around the world ticket or more of a long weekend in a caravan type of thing? When will it come a knocking again? Will it? I feel so calm and content and, dare I say it... positive.

I think it may be a combination of the change in meds, the fact that I am finally getting better after an 8 week chest infection, the change in the weather for the better and the exercise. I'm still not perfect. Obviously. I eat terribly and I barely have a minute to myself but I think I can honestly say I am happy.

I know this is a rollercoaster. I know it could corkscrew at any minute, but I also know that this time feels different. I feel different. This is a ride I am happy to be trapped on for a while, because for once, I feel like I'm in the driving seat.