So it has been a year since I started this blog. What have I learned? I learned that getting things out of your head is beneficial, writing it down is therapeutic and allowing others to read it is scary. I began the blog because I was sitting in my living room, alone and hysterical. I didn't know what to do and I needed to change the feelings into something useful. As time went on, I realised that I had a lot more to say and that even if no one was really following it, it was useful for me and a good way to vent, analyse and record my feelings.
My journey has been up and down and the subject matters have reflected that. I have always tried to be honest and open and to speak about things that were close to me. I don't know whether people have followed the posts or if I just get random interest from Twitter, but I do know that I have had almost 8,000 post views over the year and that, to me, is amazing. It may not be a lot to other people, but for me, knowing that what I am writing may possibly help someone to feel less alone, is brilliant.
As I continue my journey to come off my meds, I am experiencing difficulties as well as positives. While I may get headaches, tiredness and feel like my brain is being crushed and overrun with thoughts, at the same time, I also feel more emotionally stable. When I think about it, I feel like my depression has been turned off, but my anxiety has been amped up.
Anxiety is affecting me even more so than usual and I am finding it a bit worrying. My thoughts and worries race, my self esteem is rock bottom and my behavior suffers as a result. I don't know if this is because of the meds, I am hoping that it is and I'm going to believe that it is just a side effect and it will wear off as the meds do. I think I have to believe that.
Lately, noises have been really affecting me. Loud conversations, shouting, music, eating, all drive me to distraction and I can't concentrate. My misophonia is in overdrive and my thoughts are spiraling. In order to keep my thoughts away, I listen to music with headphones in at work. But the music can be very distracting and often makes my mind wander or makes it feel like it's caving in. Some may call that a catch 22. I try different types of music, sometimes I try just sitting with headphones in with no music on. I feel very unproductive.
But then I notice that I am getting a lot of work done. I am engaged and I know what's going on and what to do. So I know that this hasn't been the case all the time, I am making progress. I am capable. I have to notice the positives. I have to remember to give myself a break and a proverbial pat on the back. It is hard for anyone to remember to give themselves credit. I am no exception.
Though I know I have come a long way in a year (often by going backwards to come forwards again) I also know that I still have so much further to go. I have 8 more weeks of coming off my meds and therefore 8 more weeks of surprise feelings, symptoms, emotions and songs stuck in my head. This is the thing I was almost looking forward to - finding out what I would feel. Now I just need to wait and see if this is actually me or still medication me. Only time will tell, so here's to another year of ups and downs. I know I can handle it.
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