Keeping the weird in

Some days it can be a struggle to fake smile, to put on an act and go about your day and just be. But other days, I'm finding more and more, it's a struggle to keep in the weird. Maybe it's just me, but I have a feeling that we're all doing this to some extent. Some days I let it out a little. Those are some of the best days.

I guess I have always been a bit eccentric. I was recently described as "weird, but good weird" after meeting someone for the first time. I don't mind that, I think it's nice. I don't want to be normal. But I do wonder exactly how much good weird I am withholding from the world, and if I let it out, would I just be "weird weird"?

Certain things bring out my weird, such as caffeine. I am not good after a coffee. I twitch, make noises, move a lot, get really big eyes, perhaps do a dance. But I know the cause, and therefore avoid caffeine. No one wants a constantly bouncy, wide eyed colleague. Other times, it just comes out without a stimulant. I have wondered if these are manias (specifically, hypomania), it would be a fair assumption, I suppose.

Yesterday, for example, I found myself dancing across the office, making a high pitched noise. Wide eyed and waving my arms around. I have worked there for more than three years, so I am comfortable in my environment. Comfortable enough to let the weird out. But I don't even know if I'm in control of it.

I make a lot of noises, I let them out without knowing sometimes. But I also hold in many, many noises I would like to make. Squeaks, screams, songs. The more comfortable I am with someone, the more noises escape. I think that's normal? To be honest, I wish I could just let it all out, walk along the street making as many sounds as I like, talking to myself, singing along to the song in my head. Some people do that, but they are either called crazy or they are children.  I guess it sucks to be a functioning grown up.

I guess there is a fine line between being a "normal" person and being whatever the hell you like. People are not sure about those of us who don't conform, they are not used to honesty, letting go of inhibitions or aquatic inspired dance moves in the middle of the office. I think it's a shame.

So why are we holding back our weird? Is it to not worry other people? Is it because we are scared of letting go and being our weird and wonderful selves? Maybe it's because our weird is deeply buried and we aren't even sure about it our self. For me, I think it is just that it is suppressed by sadness, anxiety and worry so often that it sometimes forgets to surface. On especially good days, I embrace my weird and let it out for all to see, crab dance and all.