Never the less, at some points in my life, I managed to convince people that I'm not all that bad and pluck up the courage to have more than one conversation that ultimately lead to a friendship. I would rather have a handful of close friends who I felt comfortable with, than hundreds of acquaintances who barely know more than my current Facebook status. I am happy with this friendship model. I am not the best at keeping in touch and I hate speaking on the phone, but the people I am closest to know this and never complain. I can see them after 6 months and it feels like it's barely been a week. These are the type of people I need in my life.
Having a mental illness does not stop at your own head, it has far reaching affects on the people you live with and those who care about you from a far. Neither is easy and it takes patience. Those people who live with mental health within a relationship (of any kind) also need to ensure they look after themselves and take time to look after their own brain too. I am lucky enough to have support from almost all corners of my life. I am able to talk honestly about how I feel and what is going on and know that I am supported.
Unfortunately, sometimes people aren't always so understanding and they take it almost as a personal insult to them that you are depressed. The fact that you were unable to tell them when you were at your lowest seems to annoy them, they don't understand how you could possibly be sad when they are around. They muse about how they clearly weren't a good enough friend to you and so it must be something they did wrong. That's it! That's the reason you are so sad!
Joking aside, it's a very sad thing when you lose a friend over the chemical imbalance in your brain that you cannot control. But hey ho, as I said, the good ones stick around. It has been a beautiful revelation to me how many people have reached out to me, or have said that they too have a dark cloud and they have found comfort in what I have written here.
Life is short, rich, complicated and messy, you need to know that the people you have along for the ride are there for the right reasons. As harsh as it may seem, you need to know when to let go of relationships that are merely bringing you down. Looking after yourself is critical.
Friends are hugely important to me, they are my second family and as I live away from my family, they are my first point of contact when I need help. They are all special individuals, each offering me something different and looking after me in different ways. So this one is for you, my friend. You all know who you are and you all know how much I care. Thank you for never giving up on me, for understanding who I am and accepting me as I am.
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