A fine line between excitement and dread

I don't think I'm alone in feeling immense dread before events, outings, getting out of bed... For most people with anxiety, it can be really hard to look forward to things, rather than turning them into write-offs before they even happen. I can't help myself, I have such a terrible, negative outlook. I don't want to think that way, I just do.

As soon as an event is announced or I am invited somewhere, my brain searches for ways to get out of it. This could be a fleeting thought or could last for days or weeks, but I will think of any and every reason why I shouldn't do something. Most times, I know that it's just my brain, trying to trip me up, sometimes I find that really should have listened to my brain.

Whilst I usually know myself quite well, sometimes I try to outsmart myself and go out even though I don't feel great. Always a big mistake. Panic attacks often ensue, no one wants that. However, more and more, I am finding that I actually end up having a good time... I surprise myself.

I have almost coined the catchphrase "I don't get excited about anything" my long suffering boyfriend  mocks me for this as he has witnessed the contrary to this many times (keep it clean, I don't mean that.) I also have a terrible "I shouldn't try that new thing cos I'll be terrible at it" attitude which I am challenging often, and again, to my horror, I'm usually NOT terrible at said activity.

I am going on holiday this week (a fact that hasn't gone unnoticed by anyone within 1000ft of me as I've been mentioning it hourly) and for the first time in so long, I am completely excited about it. Full on happy, excited, bouncy and optimistic. It is beautiful, I don't know when I last felt like this. I almost don't feel like me. I haven't had any negative thoughts and I am not dreading one single bit of it.

People maybe don't understand why people wouldn't feel excited about doing things, but I really believe that there is a very fine line between excitement and dread. They are so intertwined, sometimes it's too close to call. My brain has, for once, settled on full on excitement. Though this may be intolerable for anyone within 1000ft of me right now, I don't care - I am happy, I am excited, I am going to have fun.