How to be me

Several months ago, during a particularity distressing episode of panic and low mood, I saw my own face in the mirror and did not recognise myself. I started to freak out even more because I thought it wasn't my own face. This is hard to describe and sounds a bit crazy, I know. I just kept repeating "That isn't my face" over and over as I looked at the tear stained, snotty, contorted face reflected back at me. Maybe the point was, this wasn't me, or at least the "me" I wanted to be. It's hard to lose yourself in depression and allow it to swallow you up.  So how do you continue to be yourself in the face of it?

I lost myself almost completely at some points. I became a shell that existed and did the things necessary to keep the human alive; I ate, I worked, I went home, I attempted (and failed) to sleep. I attended gatherings and sat quietly on the outskirts, having nothing to contribute and no desire to participate. I recently looked at some photos of me around Christmas last year when I was at a very low point, I can see that I am quite simply "doing a happy face" there is no warmth in my smile, my eyes are glassy and I look worn out. I was tired of pretending.

The New Year brought me a new outlook. My meds were kicking in and I started to address issue in my life and I started to realise that I could be myself. More than that, I had found that people liked me when I was myself. Hiding away had been my brain's way of coping and protecting me, but I needed to find a better way. I couldn't let it win. I had oppressed the real me and it was time I let myself be, well, me.

In January I got my first tattoo. I had been wanting something for a while but had never been able to find something that I wanted. I eventually found the image that reached out to me and made sense. It is a simple design of birds flying across my arm. Each one of those birds represents a change and an improvement and release for me. They are there to remind me that I have come a long way and even though I have a way still to go, I am moving in the right direction.

I now have 6 tattoos (and counting) and have never felt more like myself. Most of my family (on my dad's side) are tattooed and my boyfriend is beautifully inked. We even have matching anchor tattoos on our elbows; as corny as it may sound, he is my anchor. He keeps me where I am, he keeps me safe.

I have found it easier to talk to people and to be more involved socially. Though I can't say I don't panic if I am left alone in a room full of people I don't know, I am now way better equipped for small talk and not making a huge idiot of myself in front of strangers when I panic and say something silly. Though to be honest, I think that's part of my "charm", rather than a symptom of social anxiety.  Here are some real examples of awkward first interactions I have had when meeting new people:

The first example was from my first day of group CBT, I ended up saying a lot more silly things to Paul. He eventually moved to another seat.

I have found that the more I become the real me, the more confident and happy I feel. When I have a low day I immediately retreat back into myself, don't want to socialise and tend to put my headphones on and keep my head down. But these days are getting fewer and far between.

The most important things in finding my way back to myself have most certainly been being able to talk about my problems, being kind to myself and finding someone who makes it easier to be me. I know that this isn't possible for everyone, but I just cannot deny that the unfaltering love of someone who likes who I am, when I am me, helps tremendously.

But I think that overall, I have to take credit for this one myself. I have worked really hard to get where I am today. I have been through counseling, two rounds of CBT and a whole load of ups and downs. I am writing this blog mainly for myself but I can't help but feel proud that so many people have told me that it has helped them in some way. For that, I am incredibly proud of myself. That is the me I want to be.