A tree is for life, not just for Christmas

I bought a tree yesterday. This may seem trivial but it isn't - on several levels. I have a tree and plant based phobia and just the thought of some plants makes my skin itch and my throat feel like it's closing up. I'm itching just typing this. It's not all plants and trees, it's just the creepy disgusting ones, like sunflowers. I can't explain it. It's not my only phobia. I also list skin diseases & rashes, moths, being trapped in clothing and most forms of pasta.

Yes, you read that right.

Again, I can't explain the pasta thing. My ultimate pasta enemy is the large, shell shaped pasta. I would provide a picture but I don't want to do that to myself. It's heinous. Anyway, I digress, back to the tree. It is a small Norwegian Blue Spruce which I have naturally named Bruce and to me this signifies something quite awesome. It means I am ok. I bought a tree, I will take care of the tree and I will watch it grow to a big old tree. I will decorate it at Christmas and I will water it every day. If I can look after a tree, it means I'm looking after myself.

I guess I have let a lot of things slip over the last year or so. I used to be extremely tidy and to be honest, I'm glad that I've let that slip. It was a big part of my OCD that everything had to be in place, it was hard to maintain and made me very uptight. I was at the point where if something in the fridge wasn't in the right place I had to put it right, I couldn't let it be. Being able to let go of that has been a huge improvement, butter doesn't need a special and specific place. While I do like to have a tidy up and get rid of the mess, it by no way drives me anymore nor does it makes me anxious, so I guess it makes me much easier to live with.

Admittedly I don't treat myself as well as I should. I don't eat especially well, I do far less exercise than I used to and I don't make a huge effort with my appearance; but these are all things I can build up to and am trying with. Every now and again I will buy lots of vegetables and actually do eat them. But I am honest enough with myself to know that I will also end up just getting a pizza when I can't be bothered to even think about cooking. Making small, positive changes is the best way forward and means that there is less room to be disappointed with myself if I slip sometimes. But ultimately, I am taking care of myself, the most important part, the boss, my brain. I function. I am human.

Bruce (the tree) has joined the household at a good time. He will be looked after and when his time comes at Christmas, he'll be decorated in twinkling lights to signify the end of a year that has been difficult but worth every moment of hurt. That will be a great gift.