Side effects may include sleeping problems

For as long as I can remember, I've had problems sleeping. I envy people who get into bed and are asleep before their head hits the pillow. People who can sleep on long plane rides. People who can sleep through an earthquake. People who can sleep.

For me, even though I have pretty much learned to get on with my life without quality sleep of any kind, it is still one of the worst symptoms of depression. I love sleep. I have pretty much all the worst sleep traits going: I can't get to sleep, I wake up frequently and for long periods of time, I wake up with any noise / light / change in temperature. I suck at sleeping.

The problem is, combined with a mind that is racing at 100 miles an hour and full of negative thoughts, doubts, worries and paranoia, these things lead to a battle almost every night. I have read that a lot of people have a time when they wake up. For the longest time, mine was 3.50am. Ping - I'd be awake. I wouldn't even need to look at the clock, I knew what time it was.

I would then be awake for around 2 hours. I would never get up, because I thought if I get up, how will I get to sleep? I didn't do anything but think and wish that I could go back to sleep - all the while I would have very loud music playing in my brain. Over and over again. I couldn't stop the music, and often it would be the same (completely random, meaningless) song for a week. No wonder they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture.

When I started on my meds (Citalopram) they of course had the mandatory side effects list, including sleep problems. This didn't bother me as I really didn't think things could get worse. I never said I wasn't naive.

For the first month, I made a new friend, 4am. We would meet every morning and spend a few hours together. I was restless, uncomfortable, hot and bothered. I tried going to bed early, going to bed late, sleeping on the couch, but my brain was having none of it. On the plus side, I had a lot of time to think up hair brained ideas and update Facebook... silver linings and all.

Slowly but surely, this year my sleep came back to me. I made a lot of lifestyle changes and I started to feel happier. I slept through the night for the first time in as long as I could remember and I could barely believe it. I noticed the difference in my health too. It would seem that sleep really is rather important.

Unfortunately, I can't say that that's the end, my sleep issues are cured! They aren't. It's almost a good indication of my state of mind. If I'm updating Facebook at 4am, something is up. I'm sure this is a common problem for people with depression and if anything, I think my issues are mild compared to others' but that doesn't stop it feeling like I'm failing when I find myself awake again at stupid o' clock.

Currently, my sleep is hit and miss but I know that it can be ok and often is. There is hope and things can and do change, not always for the worst. Sometimes you have to let things get worse before they get better. For me, the bad nights are less frequent and the good days are winning the battle. That's all I can ask for.