How do you know when to stop?

Meds. You need them to level out. You need them to get back to a place you can barely remember being in the first place. You need them to keep going. But when do you stop needing them?

It's confusing: you take them to feel ok. So when you do feel ok, do you then stop taking them? How do you know when you're ready to stop?

So far, the advice I have found is 'talk to your GP', but as I have found, they don't always give the best advice, nor do they know you or your specific case. How can a 15 minute consultation really give them enough insight. I had a conversation with my GP that pretty much stopped me from going back to see her. It went like this:

Me: I think I'm feeling a lot better than I have been
Dr: Well your PHQ-9 score has only gone down by one point
Me: But I definitely feel better than I have, more positive...
Dr: Well I think we should increase your meds
Me: Erm, I'd rather wait a while and see how it goes
Dr: Well I am very impatient so I am keen to do this now
Me: I would really rather wait
Dr: Ok, well you don't look like you're about to go and kill yourself, so let's wait and see

Honestly. That happened.

So, my trust in my GP is somewhat shattered, which means I am hesitant to enquire about stopping the meds. I know I am not ready yet, it has only been 6 months (only?) but I have no idea when I will be ready. How do you stop your dependence on something like that? I literally have no idea and it scares me. Are the meds making me happy or am I making me happy? Is the life I have, my boyfriend, my friends, my family, the exercise I get... making me happy? Or is it a chemical induced lie? Will I come crashing down if I stop*?

My brain hurts just thinking about it. I guess I need to talk to other people who know what it is like, who have been there and done that. Maybe there is no answer. My brain hurts even more. I guess all I know is that I'm not ready yet, maybe one day I will wake up and know. Stranger things have happened. Until then, I will continue to pop a pill each evening and let the chemicals do their job.



*I know I can't just stop outright, but even stopping gradually is a scary prospect,