Tick, tock

I know what sadness feels like. I've got that down to a tee. I'm well aquainted with anxiety, I'd even say I'm a professional. But what I was not ready for, what I didn't prepare myself for, was heartbreak. Good, old fashioned heartbreak. Feeling like my insides are on the outside. A constant gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach and a real, unrelenting pain in my chest.

You know when your stomach drops because you realise you've done something wrong? It's like that. But it doesn't let up. It's feeling lonely amongst friends. It's not being able to follow a conversation because your mind is not your own. It's waking up and remembering and wishing that you could forget. It's feeling lost and lonely and like you left half of yourself somewhere.

It's not wanting to be.

Suddenly, a lot of songs make much more sense. Suddenly, a lot of songs are impossible to listen to.

Time moves slowly.

Something funny happens and you turn around but no one is there beside you to share the joke.

You question yourself.

You blame yourself.

Kind words of encouragement come and go through your head, nothing more than background noise. 

Yes, I will keep going. Yes, I am a good person. But tell me, how do I turn off these feelings? When does it stop? When will it stop hurting so much?

There is no real answer. The answer, as always, is "time". 

Tick, tock. With every second it just hurts more.

Maybe it's not a broken heart. Maybe it's been removed all together. Maybe I'll never get it back. I'm not sure that I want it. It wasn't mine. It belonged to someone else. 

I'm not sure I need it anymore.