A job interview

A job interview.

A terrifying prospect. So many triggers, so many things to go wrong, so many things to be considered. Where do I start?

First of all, I will set the scene. This wasn't the usual kind of new job interview, it was with the company I already work for. That should mean it is easier, right? I already know the people, I'm comfortable in my surroundings, I didn't even have to dress up smartly (yeah, I can be the casual bum I usually am at work!) But I still felt the kind of overwhelming anxiety that comes with a scary situation, the prospect of change and the very real possibility of making a tit of myself.

My confidence has never been high, and lately, after a few problems, it has taken a few blows. So to say that I wasn't very confident when I entered the room is an understatement. I could barely move in the hours leading up to it and no amount of going over the notes I'd made could convince me that I was prepared or qualified enough.

I was convinced I was going to have nothing to say or, even worse, have too many stupid things to say. I was scared I may cry. I was scared of looking stupid, sounding stupid, being stupid. I was worried that I wouldn't get the job, I was worried about the changes that would come with getting the job. I was worried about the unknown. I was worried.

So what happened?

I was terrified, but the nice thing was, I was able to say that. When I walked into the room, after making my standard jokey entrance (part sense of humour, part coping mechanism) when I was asked how I was, I very honestly said, "terrified". This was met with smiles and warm encouragement. I answered all of the questions put to me, but I could hear myself babbling, suddenly realising how horrifyingly boring my voice is, stumbling to get all the words I wanted to say, out. But I got them out.

It was a short and sweet meeting, a formality really.

I was unconvinced by the end of it. I continued to worry that I hadn't said the right things or hadn't said enough. I returned to my desk and remembered a hundred things I should have said. Better answers. Better jokes. A better comedy exit.

I just had to sit and wait. My stomach tangled with doubt and worry.

I got the job.

Me. Unconfident, scared me. Me, who always thinks that I am not enough, not right, not capable. Me, who is terrified of change.

The knot in my stomach untangled and I felt something all sunny and warm... Happy, proud, accomplished. The agonising doubt dissipated for once and I could accept that today, I was good enough.

I have a long way to go with my self confidence and remembering that nothing is ever as bad as I imagine it will be. But this is a big boost for me. I have a new, brilliant job. I have a (perhaps temporary) boost to my confidence and I have some exciting times ahead of me. I know that I also have a lot of worry ahead of me, I can't help that. But for now, I am enjoying this feeling.

Happy.