Changes make me anxious. Being surrounded by the hustle and bustle of change makes me on edge. My company is moving offices and we had a removal company in on Friday, packing away our things. It was loud, busy and confronting. I had to leave the room to breathe. My head was spinning, I was short of breath and felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff. All because a man was wrapping office furniture in bubble wrap. It doesn't make sense.
I don't know why I don't like change. I have moved house so many times I can't tell you a number. I don't know if that makes it ironic or understandable. And even though once change happens, I adapt pretty quickly, I just... don't want change to happen. The anticipation of change is awful. Thinking of all the scenarios that will ultimately go horribly wrong and ruin everything, over thinking every decision that had lead you to this change, thinking about thinking.
Inconsistency, is much the same as change. I just don't like it. I just want things to be steady and the same and reliable. There is comfort in consistency and patterns, I don't care how boring it is. Routine is safe. You know where you are with a routine, it's like a blanket, comforting and familiar. I think that if you have a lot going on in your head, and wow, I do, then a routine is the easiest way to get through life. Taking the thought process out of as many simple tasks as possible. Some would even say, automating the process.
Routine is important for mental health. I think it means that you can spot warning signs earlier and know if you may be falling into a bad cycle. Making life as calm and as reliable as possible is helpful when you are doubting everything you think. Making your brain as quiet as possible is always preferable. For me, that is achievable by disrupting as little as possible.
That's not to say that I don't make any changes at all. Of course I do. I mean deep seated routine, plans made far in advance, "the way things are"; they are all the hardest to change. Last minute changes to plans can throw me off balance, they can whip the carpet out from under me and sometimes I don't react well. Mostly, things aren't as bad as I think they will be, but the prospect of change and the reality of change don't even each other out. I still fear change. I just need to learn to remember, not all change is bad.
You can't, however account for other people's behaviour in all of this. People will always let you down. It's sad but true. You can only ever rely on yourself and to be fair, even you screw up from time to time. People can't be expected to never change and you can't think that they won't have to change up your plans. It's just that you have to learn to go with it. You can't control everything and you will never be able to. Sometimes you just have to embrace change. Well, maybe give it a small pat on the back, let's not go too far.
*I know there is no such thing as normal, but when I say normal, I pretty much mean people who don't feel like I do
Here is a nice song - enjoy!
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