Is it ok to be ok?

My depression and anxiety, like many others, are not constant. They come and go, ebb and flow without real pattern and are as unpredictable as they are cruel. I imagine that some people with no experience of depression think that it's all or nothing. Either you are brought down to your knees or you are cured. It may be hard to accept that the smiling, laughing colleague who always has a joke at hand is actually a depressive. How can they be when they always seem happy enough? Of course, we are masters of disguise, but also, some days, we are just ok.

Not every day is a bad day. Not every mood is a bad one. Not every smile is fake. Sometimes it can be quite worrying when you realise that today, you feel ok. Shouldn't I be anxious? Shouldn't I feel like I am not ready for today? That I just want to hide? Is it really ok to be ok?

The short answer is yes. It is very ok.

A day without intrusive thoughts, sadness or fear. It may not even be an amazing and fun filled day, but whilst you might not be having the best day of your life, you are getting there. You have achieved things and made progress and it didn't hurt. Maybe you did your washing, maybe you finally met up with a friend after 6 months or maybe you had a breakthrough at work. It doesn't matter what you did, you did it.

I guess the absence of a feeling can sometimes be as worrying as the feeling itself and if you are prone to obsessive thinking (and many of us are) then your thoughts can get carried away with themselves.

"Why am I not a ball of sadness?? What is wrong with me?? What are these non sad feelings??"

But I have found that the more good days I get, the less I worry. I try to leave it until the bad days to worry, so I don't waste any of the good days. I know that every good day I get is something to be celebrated, not questioned. But a good day is not always possible and a bad day is not always welcome so I am happy with those ok days. They give you something to aim for and something to better, and I'm ok with that.