Losing the safety net

So I am thinking about coming off my meds. It has been about 16 months now and I honestly can't tell you if they make a difference to me. That scares me. How can I not know? If I took tablets to get rid of a rash, I would be able to clearly see if they were working. Shouldn't I be able to tell?

I know for certain that I am happier than I used to be, but then that could just be a change in circumstances. I know for certain that I still get very sad, anxious and low - but won't I always get that? I have this conversation with myself a lot. What is going to happen to me when I stop taking them? I can only assume that it can't be worse than the day I started taking them. It might equal it, but I got through that. So maybe it's time to try.

My doctor told me not to even consider coming off meds until Spring, as the dark nights of Winter were no time to lure in the black dog. Now, as Spring approaches, I am wondering if it really is the right time. I am scared of losing the safety net. Maybe my meds are keeping me at a certain level, not exactly better, but able to bounce back so much easier. What if I come crashing down without them? But does it matter? So what if I fall? I could just get back on the proverbial horse. Wouldn't I be better knowing?

It's so much easier said than done. I have never stopped antidepressants before. These were my first foray into meds. I have no clue. I hate change. I find it hard to make decisions. No one can tell me what to do and my experience will be completely my own. I'm on my own here, kid.

At the minute, I can always think of an excuse not to stop them: I have a holiday coming up, It's busy at work, I haven't been feeling well... There is always something. But I have to be honest with myself. I am the only one who can make this decision and I have to take action.

Making this choice is really difficult, but I think it is really the only way I can see what difference, if any, they are making. Though I might do some short term damage, the long term can only be benefitted by my little self experiment. I'm just hoping it doesn't go too wrong. Wish me luck, I may just need it.